Florida Fish Test Positive for Multiple Pharmaceutical Drugs

CNN is reporting that according to a new study, fish off the coast of Florida have tested positive for a cocktail of pharmaceutical drugs, including blood pressure medications and anti-depressants. In fact, the study found that each of the 93 fish it tested, had an average of seven drugs in their system.

Gee, Florida fish are on blood pressure meds and antidepressants? Who knew the fish were depressed? Well, can’t say as I blame them. After all, they’re living in Florida. So, forget “Florida Man,” because we now have “Florida Fish!” Florida Republicans, on the other hand, say this is really nothing anyone needs to be concerned about, just as long as these fish aren’t being taught “Critical Race Theory.”

Naturally, this report has environmentalists pleading “For the love of Cod, something needs to be done about this!” In response, the Governor signed his “No Pills for Gills” executive order and told Floridians not to worry, because "We're gonna build a great big, beautiful damn, that should stop these drugs from reaching our most vulnerable fish.”

Meanwhile, strung-out fish are being sent to either a fish “reef-hab,” or an “Albacore Anonymous” meeting. Why, thing’s have gotten so bad that doctors have begun issuing “fishing licenses” instead of prescriptions. This has many Floridians remarking “So, we can get affordable drugs by fishing now? What a wonderful time to be alive!”

Of course, and on a positive note, Floridians no longer need to panic if and when their prescriptions should ever run out. Why, all they’ll need to do is simply drive over to their favorite seafood restaurant, and order dinner. Just keep in mind though, that those terrific-looking, delicious plates of sushi you’ve just ordered, have a $50 deductible.

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