If you're at all unfamiliar with attachment theory I would recommend this book. It was really eye opening to me and takes a positive approach when discussing each attachment style.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love [amazon.com]

I understand where you're coming from. Your post resonates with me. I've wondered if I don't have reactive attachment disorder at times and need to do more research on it to see if it really 'fits' me. Not that it's something one necessarily wants to fit, but as you write, once understood, it can alleviate some of the pressures we often feel about "having to" achieve a relationship.

The woman who raised me, my adoptive mother, had untreated borderline personality disorder, which has symptoms that are very similar to narcissistic disorder and is often misdiagnosed as ND. Her untreated disorder, as well as other personal issues, created a very dysfunctional, toxic homelife. I know my issues with my mother and dysfunctional family helped create the adult I've become, including some of the issues I carry with me.

However, I don't blame all my relationship issues on me and my dysfunctional family. Our culture has a lot to do with pushing the issue that everyone must be partnered, that the main purpose in everyone's life - especially women - is to find a partner, have children; that women aren't really "fulfilling their purpose" if they're not partnered with children. Which is a ridiculous standard and devalues everything women have to offer. Our government supports this, too - giving bigger tax breaks to married and partnered people with children. There's very little support for single, child-free people in our culture, in our government. I've spent years advocating online for single person's rights, for remaining happily child-free. I don't see my choices as negatives, at least not 100% of the time.

I've come to a point in my life where I realize I'd like to have a relationship, but it isn't a need for me. I don't need to have a relationship in order to be fulfilled. It's something I'd like for myself, something I want, but I also know that I can get by without one. I have for many years. I've had long-term relationships in the past; my longest one lasted 5 years and ended in 1998. Since then, I've had other long term relationships, lasting from a year to 3 years at the most. My last relationship ended in 2010. Since then, I've pretty much given up on finding a long-term relationship. I used to spend much more time on dating websites; now I feel like it's a waste of time.

That said, though, there are still days when the loneliness really tugs at me and I wonder if I shouldn't attempt to date again. That's when I start thinking about reactive attachment disorder and wondering if it's not getting in my way.

I wish the people on this site were not all so scattered! I feel we could be friends. Although I have been married twice - one bad, one good - I am looking forward to spending my last years on my own. That may sound harsh, but some of us are just not cut out for close relationships. We can be good friends but we find it difficult to break down those final barriers. Would it be helpful to examine whether you have been chasing this close relationship because you yourself really wanted it, or because it is what society expects us to want? I know several single women who accept that is what they are meant to be and have fulfilling lives. Concentrate on what you do best and I think the void will fill itself.

If you think you have some sort of mental disorder maybe you should consult a mental health professional of some sort. You never know, you might learn something interesting. I know what you mean about being single in a double world. I was part of a couple for many years. Probably a little smug with it until one day, "I don't love you anymore" and my world fell in.

It can be difficult not having a mate. But I just remind myself that being mate-less is far preferable to being in a bad relationship. I am a bit envious of friends who are happily partnered. I am NOT envious of friends who are staying in bad marriages.

I've read the Mayo Clinic entry on Reactive Attachment Disorder and I don't think it applies to either of us. RAD seems to affect development during infancy. If you were suffering from RAD you probably wouldn't miss intimacy or seek it out.

Anyway, having a name for a disorder doesn't make more real or less real.

Here's what mine is like. I've never been attractive in any way. Nobody has ever sought my attention. If that has happened I never observed it.

When I was younger I was lucky enough to have some relationships that I would girlfriends. I always knew what i saw in them, and I NEVER knew what they saw in me. I was always suspicious of their intentions, and the relationships were always unstable. Anyway, I enjoyed the attention and intimacy as long as it was there - expecting it could evaporate at any moment, and it always did. Whatever brought that luck to me: I never knew what it was, but I was glad it was there.

Well it's not there anymore.

And that is what prompted me to give my 2¢.

Your experience is a lot like mine. For quite a while now, I've been wondering what qualities I'm lacking - qualities that are apparently common - that make me invisible to members of the opposite sex.

Thanks for speaking up. You've inspired me to speak too. I'll reflect, and write more later.

I doubt I'm qualified to offer advice, but let me offer a quote by someone named unknown.
'Once you stop chasing the wrong things, the right ones catch you.'