@Radu she could not manage money. Any time she had access to the finances, over draws, things not paid, money missing. Each time it happened the problem was bigger, and during a phase of show me I can trust you. Did I want her to pay bills so I did not have to? No, I wanted her to see the big picture, so when we talked money, she saw the trade offs that needed to be made instead of not talking, getting mad after we spent the discretionary money and hitting the bottle. She works as a preschool teacher, so gets gifts periodically. Those were a drinking slush fund. "Can I get this for the classroom" was a slush fund.. the reimbursement never made it to our account.

Parenting differences.. I would say no, she would say yes behind my back instead of communicating with me.

I went to school nights and weekends, kept my career going. She expected to be able to quit working and have me support her instead of doing the same. Even after I said, hey take a few classes and show you can/will do it before we commit to that.

Our friends were always "my friends". She never brought friends into the family/social circle.

Our son dropped out of college to major in drugs and homelessness. Prayers did not work so she went to the bottle.

Want to play an instrument great.. bought her a piano, a guitar, a ukelele, another guitar... So let's play this.. it's easy. No.. I want to play this other song I like.. ok, great.. that's too hard.. let's build up to it.... I did not push her to play, she loved music and "wanted" these things, but not the effort to learn them.

Now a bunch of this is communication problems, but a lot was her broken childhood. I blamed her dad for a decade, resented her for another and the last 8 years I survived.

Lovely woman, affectionate, I truly loved her and there is an emotional connection to this day. But because she never learned to push herself to succeed, when I became more successful she became more resentful. And her behaviors especially once I discovered the addiction proved I could not trust her, no matter how much I cared.

She was an enabler.. I was overweight and would beg her not to bring the candy gifts from work home.. help me make the right choices please.. but she had this mental thing of if she got me to do something bad, she was ok being bad.

After the divorce.. I had my head clear enough to research my diet issues. Insulin resistance was my problem, and fixing my diet to counter this has helped me lose the weight. But I could not see it because i was a stress eater and I was always focused on fixing the things causing the stress. And she was not a problem solver, or engaged in helping.. so yeah.. just go along to get along drags the problems out.

So no.. I don't want a passive woman who just goes along. I want a real partner who has their own successes to celebrate, who encourages me to be a better person.

@Radu So for background, my mother divorced my father when I was 4, remarried and divorced again when I was 17. The first was a good call, the second was because she had ovarian cancer, did not know it, and her whole hormonal system was out of whack. She lost the love of her life because she did not find out and get it fixed until he was already engaged to get married again, so she carried that regret a long time.

Between my wife and I there was and still is an authentic emotional connection. And in my youth I did see the problems, I was just overconfident we could fix them. She learned to be a people pleaser saying what others wanted to hear, but not held accountable for most of it. So I thought I had someone who shared goals, and was caught off guard at the deception.

Three years before the divorce I did separate our finances, and once she had anonymous access to funds, the problem accelerated. Leading to me getting a breathalyzer because it was the norm for her to be drunk and denying it, At the point I talked to a lawyer, the lawyer recommend I take away the keys to her van, which was in my name, to protect me from the liability of her causing an accident.

I read a bit by a marriage counselor I really like. You won’t find a perfect person, but if you find love, hold on to it until you can’t. Right up until the end, I was still fighting to get her to engage with any kind of help system. I threw in the towel when I offered to pay for rehab, can you go to work and get the time off please? Yes, thank you... then she came home at noon drunk.

As a dad, yeah, kicking my son out was the second hardest think I have had to do emotionally. Took him in off the streets to try and get him out of the legal trouble and bills that still follow him. His pattern is be good during the harsh winter and find somewhere to stay, then blow up and go back homeless in the warm weather. He has lived with my ex now for two years, never working and yeah, the mom part of her can’t see they are hurting each other’s futures.

@Radu yeah, he married a very nice lady and they were happy together. She got cancer a few years ago, so we went up to see her instead of going for a funeral. She passed two weeks later, he died the next day. ):

wikipedia not a reliable source mate.

Try reading this instead: [theravive.com]

@Radu I like strong, independent women, but I don't have choices about who likes me.

@Radu To each their own, that would not be a good situation for me.

@Radu If she is not mentally my type, physically does not matter unless it's just a fling. More than that, no.

@Radu I get it, and yeah I like to have fun too. But after the fun, she'd (if clingy) still be a nut job. So as a fling, sure. More than that? No thanks.

@Radu
Yes, PDA bothers me. For two people in love PDA is unnecessary. If they really love each other, there are many acts they can do in their non-public life that can deepen their love and develop a lot of gratitude by the recipient. That's how I believe love matures.

I am also not a fan of PDA because I have seen how some do a lot of PDA in front of others to prove how much one loves the other, some seem to have an obsession with it. I have not seen any of of those examples (seen with my own eyes) living together for more than 3 years.. none. Therefore, I wondered why wouldn't they work on their relationship first before showing off to public? To me, PDA is a shallow act.

There are many societies around the world that no concept of PDA but have a belief that real love needs real actions that don't have to be public. My wife was so much into both getting well dressed, attending functions together, clinging on to me wherever I went and talked to people in the party, taking pictures together and so eager to come home and share pictures with friends and family here and overseas immediately but.... not once cared for what bothers me, how my day was at work, how our finances were, what I was doing for the future, should she could contribute to our life and so on. Never a real contribution to the relationship but a lot of eagerness for PDA. Never made me happy.

If I see PDA from a matured couple which has lived long life together, gone through ups and downs together, stood by each other... their PDA is sweet to see. They apparently communicate about a long relationship together and the PDA suits them.

As for how women would or should feel, I would not know. I gave my opinion as a man.

@Radu I would feel suffocated with that much attention. Yes, it is a control thing.

@Radu Maybe the term attractive is confusing in this dialogue and means different things for different people. When I say attractive, I am referring to the entirety of the person, so presumably I would be with someone that I found attractive. That would mean intellect, humor, common quirkiness and so on. And it would probably also include a quiet nature. I am a well adapted introvert and prefer the same. Someone who is constantly giving attention is actually also demanding a lot of attention. That would not be the type of person that I would be attracted to.

@Radu I think the "clinging" needs to match for a decent relationship. If you define her as "clingy" and you're not...then you're not quite as satisfied with her as she is of you. I predict failure soon unless you work to be more "clingy" or have her work to be more independent.

@Radu So she was looking at you as a baby maker...and apparently you weren't buying in....good for you!

@Radu Again....bold of you to avoid "fathering"...it takes a wise and selfless man.

@Radu yes.. It's called the law of diminishing returns..

@Radu so, no long term relationship for you?

@Radu I meant long term