I am sorry that you have never experienced it. It’s the best thing. A big part of your problem may be that you have gone for “good” looks.

Natural intimacy and love comes from the heart

First, sorry to hear about your health issues and glad you are getting better. Good luck and stay away from the anti-mask crowd.

I mirror @demifeminist's input in that you lead with appearance and the desire for "stuff"; I imagine you have had some degree of financial success. As she says, if that is what attracts you, shallow is likely. It is sadly common, good looks or not.

Trite though it may sound, learn to love, like, and respect yourself. You will never be alone. If you don't have that, no one can give you what you are seeking, as there is nothing to build on.

A great relationship should be hard to find; witness most of those that we all observe: on rare occasions you say "I want that", a much larger number are OK, but just that, and to me frankly there are a huge number, easily the majority, that speak to "why are they together?" It is indeed purely transactional.

There are two traits I look for in a person I will consider for a relationship:
-Uncommonly high intelligence. This is not elitist in that I don't judge people for how they are and not all are gifted, but if I am choosing someone to spend time with me to the exclusion of others, then yes, I am highly selective on this measure.
-They seek the right answer, rather than seek to be right. You will never argue (that doesn't mean you might not get upset with each other) and constantly learn.

I once went through a mental exercise of determining what percentage of the population would be in my target pool. The screens were checklists, guidelines with flexibility such as age, education, beliefs, etc. I determined the pool was less than 1% of the population. This is as it should be, if you are considering the person as a life partner.

FWIW, I had one of those "I want that" relationships, for seven years. It is worth holding out for. It was a real heaven, right here on earth.

Love you, refine your targeting to emphasize what you have been missing, good luck.

Hey man, your situation is even worse than mine, and that's saying something. At least I haven't had any near-death experiences.

Now that I've read your post again you seem to be very much like me. I haven't had a "relationship" for almost 20 years. There are 2 women who willing to spend time with me occasionally, but there's no intimacy. I don't think either of them actually likes me - they each want to eat and return home. I go through this because I'm afraid - if I don't - I'll fall off the edge socially and lose whatever social skills I still have.

Like you, I handle social interactions carefully. If I meet a woman I find attractive I do my best to keep my feelings secret ... otherwise they freak out and ghost me, block me, excommunicate me. I very often wish I could just give up on intimacy, but I seem to be driven to seek it.

I'm struggling in therapy to find some measure of accommodation. My life wasn't always this empty, and memories of intimacy plague me.

Just want to let you know you're not alone.

I think the good news is that you truly see yourself well and know yourself well. Clearly by what you have written, you have a level head...which also may be to your detriment. You are not a touchy-feely type of person who falls in love easily. What ever you do, don’t give up!! Use that level-headedness and find a way to systematically look for what you want. I have seen several situations where a first love is found late in life. You must be open to it! (Fortunately or unfortunately I have the opposite problem of falling in love too easily so I have learned to back away to preserve my heart.). Good luck.

Good news for you here is you have the power to chnager your situation. It seems like you had a type. You were heavily drawn to the super attractive, high maintenance ladies with their coiffed hair, fancy outfits and nice makeup. If you didn't give less than attractive or low maintenance women a chance, this is why your relationships lacked that intellectual depth. How can you expect a relationship which roots are grounded in superficiality to develop intellectual and emotional depth??