What is this? Does it make sense?
If you are "friends with benefits," you get together and have sex, right? So if you’ve fooled around, and then you don’t, but you still talk, text, and email each other in sexy ways, what are you?
Someone I’ve been seeing, it’s definitely not a romantic relationship and that’s fine. And we are getting to know each other, so I appreciate the growing friendship. I like talking with him and he makes me laugh and think. And getting to know him made the intimate moments better, too. But if the sex isn’t happening, and we’re still communicating in sexy ways, why are we not making plans to be together? I told him I would like to be with him; I can handle that and still be friends. But I also told him that if it doesn’t happen that I still want to be friends, because I enjoy that part very much, just for that -- but then, no sexy talk or touch. Makes no sense otherwise.
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6 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I am still trying to figure out what friends with benefits are? I get the concept. I have even been offered the experience but jyst seems odd. If you get along as friends and the benefits work well. Why not be a couple or go back to being friends if the benefits don't work? Guess can't take out the benefits part.
Rose2U
Level 7
July 16, 2018
1
It sounds to me as if you made a friend. You tried the 'friends with benefits' route, but that didn't pan out as you both expected so now you are just friends who flirt.
As suggested in an earlier comment, he may be getting sex elsewhere and you just stoke his fire with the conversation. I really don't know, but it does sound as though you are able to communicate very well with each other. You may think you were sexually compatible, but he may not feel the same way, regardless of what he says, as he wants to keep it as friends only. There has to be reason since I don't know many guys who would turn down free noncommittal sex.
Hazydays
Level 7
June 28, 2018
2
I think he would want it to continue - we both enjoyed the intimacy, but I know I was having a tougher time with that and the friendship than he was. I appreciate that he felt it was important to grow the friendship, and I even told him down the road, who knows, if I felt comfortable and ready and we both agreed to it, I would be happy the have the "benefits" again. He seemed okay with that. Whether or not he wants to find another casual relationship, I have to accept that.
@bleurowz Your original post and your comments have me all over confused. There are three options here. You are both, going forward, either going to be friends only, friends with benefits or pursuing a relationship. It sounded as if you were ok with the friends with benefits idea and wanted more but then there was a drought and you were left wondering why. Now you’re saying you were having a harder time with that set up and are happy with the ‘just friends’ agreement? Am I correct? Then, you say you would be open the the benefits side of things again, as HE seemed to be ok with that but he’s not putting that option out for you to grab? No wonder your confused...so am I lol. This sounds like a very complicated friendship from the beginning. I hope whatever comes your way, you are happy with the outcome.
@Hazydays It never was a relationship. It started as benefits. Then the friendship started to grow, and while he didn't have a problem with both, I did, and I think he could sense that. I'd made this post before I talked to him. I realize it's mainly because I'm going through some personal transitions in my life and it was too much. So now we have put sex on the back burner because growing the friendship had become more important. But the door is still open, even though the future is unknown. Yes, it has been complicated. I think only recently has there been any clarity. Hope that explains it better.
@bleurowz I think you might be forcing it a bit...... don't try and make anything...just go with the flow....sistah
Is it possible that the two of you were not quite sexually compatible, and the sexy talk may be a way to explore ways of becoming more compatible? Testing the waters of what might turn each other on? Consider whether the sexy talk he does aligns with what happened in person or takes things in a new direction.
UUNJ
Level 8
June 27, 2018
3
We were very compatible sexually, but for me it was compromising the friendship. So we've agreed to put sex on the back burner. He may or may not want to be casual with someone else, I have to accept that.
Sounds to me like he gets off on the teasing and knowing it could happen, but doesn't feel like he wants to go to the next level yet for some reason. Maybe he's afraid you'll be disappointed with him? Maybe he has performance anxiety? Could be a dozen things. Or maybe he's actually married. (I hate suggesting that last one, but hey, I'm a cynic, I tend to suspect the worst.)
Paul4747
Level 8
June 27, 2018
3
No. I think it was just confusing for both of us. We had been somewhat intimate, but that was dwindling; meanwhile, our friendship was suffering, so we've decided to put sex on the back burner.
Whatever works for both of you, as long as you both have your needs relatively satisfied, will ensure that a healthy and happy relationship continues. Avoidance of difficult conversations, however, will create problems sooner or later, so communicating to make sure that you both are satisfied, or not, will be the key. Enjoy each moment, they are gifts.
josephr
Level 7
June 27, 2018
1
Agree. We are both communicating what we want. Right now we want to focus on developing a nice friendship and have put sex on the back burner. He may or may not want to pursue something casual with someone else, I have to accept that.
@bleurowz Well done. I was in a 'friend with benefits' relationship 5 years ago, which has now evolved into an asexual reality, which is still so very satisfying for us. We are both also very touchy-feely, so my needs to hug and touch, and to be hugged and touched, are satisfied. And that is wonderful, and maybe even critical, for me at least. [psychologytoday.com]
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