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Yesterday someone posed a question along the lines of “what would your ideal profile say?” Many of the responses were humorous. I wonder what an honest profile would look like. For example, I think most of the women on here are strong and independent. I consider myself strong and independent but at the same time I know that right now I’m also vulnerable and insecure because of my widowhood. Why do we never say things like that about ourselves? (I know it would attract scammers, but I haven’t seen anyone on here who isn’t intelligent enough to see them coming.)

What are we looking for? We say we’re looking for someone else who likes to do what we do, whether that’s reading or hiking or listening to doo wop or rough sex or whatever. Why do we not say what we really want deep down in our souls? I want acceptance above all. I’m a little quirky. I’m a little overweight. I’m definitely long in the tooth. But I also have this overabundance of love that I used to give to my husband that now has no outlet. I’m one of the kindest people you’d ever want to meet. In our profiles, we don’t hesitate to say we have a good sense of humor, but we don't mention words like love and kindness.

My husband and I both had our demons, his much worse than mine. There were times when he was down when he would stretch out on the sofa with his head in my lap and I would stroke his head until he relaxed and went to sleep. I want that again…not the demons, just the opportunity to give my undivided attention to another human being.

Why don’t we say what we really, really want?

Just my musings today.

Fuck holidays. I want my husband back.

ProudMary 8 July 4
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17 comments

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0

Well, some people do talk about that in the profile. Lots of people also struggle talking about love in real life as well!

Being widowed is a tough thing I am sure.

arnies Level 7 July 28, 2018
0

Yep. I'm sorry . So well said.

1

Thanks for being open and candid. You bring up good points about how people present themselves online. I think most people want to put their best foot forward on a bio, even if some people bend the truth a bit to show a certain perception of themselves.

Personally I like to be honest yet brief in describing myself. Its enough to summarize yourself and your life experience in a few paragraphs. I have would rather get to know someone in person than through a bio or by messages.

0

some very sad stories here. I am profoundly sorry for those who have experienced this.

My comment about the question would be something like this. An ideal profile, whatever that means, is very subjective. Naturally you should put whatever you feel. No matter how many read your profile it will resonate with only so many and is probably impossible to predict. I've been on a number of sites for a few years, and I believe I am very transparent such as putting athiest down. People who know me say I am honest, kind, affectionate, considerate, loving, and so forth, but stating you are an athiest will close the mind of many and many positive things many claim they are seeking will be glossed over. Seriously, I'm fitter than most, and like to dance, go to ballets, concerts and museums, but where are the ladies who say they want these things. From my perspective, they have all been snatched way in some kind of a rapture.

0

In most of my profiles I have been honest with the good and the bad. I'm constantly told to change it. It's stupid that you can't be honest on a profile.... and then get accused of not being honest.

tryingcake Level 7 July 5, 2018

Who is telling you to change it? ? ...based on what?

0

Ah Mary.....I can't imagine your experiences. But i can imagine wanting to share and give ones heart and have someone be sweet with . I yearn for that but long distances are where interesting people seem to be You are very strong

EvaV Level 7 July 5, 2018

@ProudMary im sorry and don't mean any disrespect...but you are a warrior Please don't minimize how you posting created connections with each other. Love the responses.... Im all about taking the edge off ...

1

Long story short, I want that type of companionship where both are on the same page. I'll keep looking until Elvis leave the building....

IamNobody Level 8 July 5, 2018
4

Having been in a loveless marriage for almost 15 years, I had a lot of time to figure out what was missing in what I had and what I wanted/needed in my future. I had a list in my head of what attributes were a must for me. I discovered I’m rather picky, but after wasting 15 years of my life, I learned what things I could tolerate and what I couldn’t going forwards.
After I divorced I was ready to find ‘the one’. My profile was precise but true to me and I hoped that even though it was a little long winded and wordy, my wish list would resonate with someone and they would get in touch. I never looked at others profiles or got in touch with them. No rush. I have somewhat of a fatalistic outlook and would prefer to be found by the right person instead of searching for them.
That bit is a little hard to explain, its a gut thing, but nevertheless it worked for me before and I ultimately found my soulmate. It's just wishful thinking it will happen again.
We had an amazing 5 years together…..and then my world shattered when he died and I fell hard from cloud nine.
Now, also a widow, I understand you wanting your husband back and yes holidays do suck without them.
My husband and I managed to have a discussion before he died about me finding love again. I know thats what he wanted and I have no guilt associated with it. I’m in no rush, and as long as my profile is honest and true I know someone, perhaps the right one, will find me one day.

Hazydays Level 7 July 5, 2018

Hi Hazy, My wife and I had a similar discussion prior to her death. She encouraged me to move on. I'll never replace her but I'm optimistic that I will find another love for my life. I hope it's not wishful king. .I hope you find the guy that your husband wanted for you.

@ugly I’m happy you were able to have that painful, awkward, hard but beautiful discussion with your wife prior to her death. She was a lovely person to think of your future happiness and give you that acceptance and encouragement to seek it once more. We are amongst the lucky one who got to speak about these things before they left us. He knew I’d never find anyone as good as him as he joked I’d had the best, but he said he’ll do all he can from wherever will be to send a good one my way. ? ...I believe him ❤️

0

Every woman l have liked or loved or thought l loved were very different from each other.There are no Stepford wives. I have loved different women for different reasons. The list is, accept me for who l am. A sense of humor, and kindness. Oh, and l hope they like sex. That is the profile. The excitement of a relationship is discovering all the other stuff.

Sticks48 Level 9 July 5, 2018
0

As I wrote in my profile:

I'm seeking an athletic, intelligent man with a great sense of humor who treats me with respect and kindness. Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples. That's why I want a man who also loves hiking, and only shoots with a camera.

Although I'm a great cook, I'm not willing to do all of the meal planning, preparation and cooking. Everyone loves hearing those magic words: "Dinner is served."

Loving relationships work best when we add a certain spirit, an attitude of goodwill. I wouldn't know a grudge if it mugged me. I miss the tender touch, laughter, conversation, intimacy, teamwork and fun of a committed, loving relationship.

My parents talked and laughed every day. That's what I want in a relationship.

1

I want to be honest, but I want to be discreet. I'm always afraid if I come on too strong I'll scare someone away.

bleurowz Level 8 July 4, 2018
1

You sound like a wonderful woman and I hope you find a suitable life partner.

Background (Not applicable to you): After my much beloved grandmother died from an ugly bout with cancer my grandfather quickly found a woman to support: A nurse from the hospital smelled money and desperation so she quickly replaced my grandmother. The woman was a horrible, self-serving individual that initiated and promoted a litany of bad experiences. (although my grandfather never complained, he was quickly reduced to a not happy not unhappy selfless servant who tirelessly worked to keep her happy). Fortunately, she was also sickly so she died decades before my grandfather checked out.

This may apply . . .
Shortly after his second wife died, he found a wonderful widowed woman and for a time, they had a wonderful sharing relationship where they were both openly happy. They held hands, smiled and and kissed like like high school students and openly appeared to greatly enjoy snuggling with each other as they both greatly respected their parter. They also went on several cruse ships together.

I hope you find another similar experience.

Sadly, her kids convinced her to put an end to the relationship because her (dead (Catholic) husband) who lived in heaven would not approve and after she died, He would be angry with her in heaven.

@ProudMary There is a short happy story in the middle. . .

@ProudMary That is sad. My grandfather enjoyed about a year with with the wonderful woman before her kids shamed her out of the relationship. During that time she often stayed at his farm for a few weeks then he would stay in her house in town. Both lived several more years, after a few years they both took up residence in a large retirement (old folk home like) high end apartment/dorm complex where they lived on different parts of the complex and were always careful to no longer hold hand or show compassion to keep her children (dead husband) happy. He died in his 90's and she lasted another decade before Alzheimer's took her.

I hope you find another positive relationship.

@NoMagicCookie A sweet mellow old man farmer? oh geez he sounds like he was my dream guy. I'm sorry his girlfriend had vile idiot kids.

@Qualia "vile idiot kids" I didn't mention his second wife's boy raping my uncle's son . . . oh, you mean the last girlfriend not his second wife. My bad. Yes, I agree. They could have enjoyed each other's company for a much longer time if her idiot/Catholic kids didn't use religion to shorten the happiness of their sharing love for each other.

@NoMagicCookie Good grief more to that story. 😮

3

Damn....
I cannot imagine having my wife die. She was diagnosed with breast cancer 5.5 years ago. The following year was the darkest time I've ever known. She's fine now. But sometimes at night, I think, what if she'd died? And I almost lose it.
So, I think you're incredibly strong Mary. And my heart goes out to you.

@ProudMary
None of us are Mary.

27 years with my late wife(26 good ones,the last not so good for my poor wife)The Radiation and later Chemotherapy,what was the twist of fate was being told on our 26th anniversary in August 23rd 2016, and Kathy was gone one year and a month later......

2

Mary, I hear your pain and sincerely hope you find someone to fill your heart. ?

UUNJ Level 8 July 4, 2018

@ProudMary I’m glad you’ve got company. Im not in a rush to partner up, and I’m grateful for that. I’m also bi, which increases my odds of finding someone. ?

@UUNJ Fear of failure,and my Parents divorce,affected me I think,and then going away for two enlistments in the Air Force,moving every 6 months to a years time,no possibility of putting down roots to establish a loving relationship resulted in a string of broken hearts.. And bruised mine.

5

Maybe because it's hard to be so vulnerable to people I don't know. To write my deepest desires for everyone to see.

It's easier... safer... to write something general, and hope someone wants to know more... to let people filter themselves through that initial interest and then see what happens.

Paul4747 Level 8 July 4, 2018

@ProudMary And maybe because until I know someone, and trust her, and she knows and trusts me, at least to some extent, I have a have a fear niggling at the back of my mind that she might be put off or even repelled by what some of my feelings or wishes actually are. (Don't worry, we're not talking anything illegal here... just... maybe a little kinky?) But I have a sexual side that, along with my emotional side, went neglected for a long long time in my marriage, and that's something I wouldn't put in a profile...

2

One of my favorite definitions of love is "to care for" because it captures the feeling to care about as well as the action to take care of.

Buttercup Level 8 July 4, 2018
2

I'm not sure I know what I want til I find it. But I agree a major feature has to be the happy times between the hikes and nights out. It's great to have interests in common but the true test is enjoying just surviving together.

Salo Level 7 July 4, 2018
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