I disagree. Boundaries are not about being completely independent of others. They are about making demanding respect, particularly for those who do a lot for others. When someone gives and gives and it becomes expected and the givers needs aren't being met or even considered that is an unacceptable situation. Women are particularly bad about this. We frequently make a life centered around meeting everyone else's needs. When the kids grow up or our husbands decide we're boring because all we ever talk about is family/kid stuff, we're floored. It happens because we forget to nurture ourselves. People take givers for granted and walk all over them. Boundaries are about retaining our individuality. Not becoming useful lil' stepford wives(or husbands) and demanding the same respect and consideration we show others.

@Blindbird I think we're actually in agreement but there is a misunderstanding. Perhaps I neglected to add to the list of pathological factors which promote co-dependence. Under the general heading of systemic factors would be: patriarchal power structures, racial power structures, class power structures, and any other related factors that promote exactly what you describe. I agree completely that there are people in our society who are over-demanded upon, and are thereby abused. Such folks are not only pressured from outside themselves, but have internalized the demand imposed by an entire society's values. I agree that requires correction.

And as I said at the top of my comment as a disclaimer "I agree that boundaries are important" - I mean that, and I affirm it throughout the developmental arc. Even during childhood dependence, our boundaries are important, and we should respect our children's wishes, physical integrity, developmental capabilities and so on. Even when we engage the interdependence of family and community, we need to take care of ourselves and not overextend to the point of chronic exhaustion or abuse of self.

I hope I'm not coming across as mansplaining. That is not my intent at all. I absolutely affirm your point about the value of self-care, and about leveling the field in families and societies, especially around gender, race, and so on. There are lots of people, mostly white males, that get away with doing too little at the expense of others. That needs correction.

Even so, I don't want to ignore the fact that we as human beings are ultimately built for connection, and that connection is messier than platitudes about boundaries can capture. I remain concerned about throwing the baby out with bathwater, so to speak, and ignoring the part of "self care" which involves deep and intimate connection with others. Those connections do not neatly fall into the lists of boundaries.

@ejbman. I don't entirely disagree but the phrase "stuffed shirt" comes to mind.

@Blindbird OK, as long as it's not "asshole", I'll take it

@ejbman eh not today.