If i knew what an LTR is I may agree with you.

@FrayedBear long term relationship

@Amzungu2 Gotcha. Yes much ado about flaps of skin - just don't bring the nasties and babies home with you.

I disagree. You can totally commit to an open relationship.

@brainyactress I assumed since she was questioning the contradictory nature of the two statements, she wasn't considering an open relationship as an option, so I don't disagree there are surely committed couples in open relationships. But your statement does beg the question(s) and this isn't meant to be snarky. I admit total ignorance on how an open relationship actually functions, but I'm interested in learning the perspective of those who do...so 1. What are you committing to in an open relationship? Is there generally a committed core couple that just eliminates the threat of someone cheating destroying the relationship by opening the door? And 2. Is it difficult to develop a committed relationship within that structure of it's open from the start? I think those are the biggest stumbling blocks in the way of my understanding.

@Amzungu2 The thing that’s inherent in your questions is the conflation of sexual fidelity with commitment. Each couple has to negotiate their own boundaries but commitment is not necessarily based only on sexual fidelity. Being committed means giving that person precedence and working on the relationship and sharing intimacies that are unique to the two of you. And building life stuff (money, kids, etc.) Being open is recognizing that while I’m “your person” there will be others who come along who light us up in various ways. And recognizing that that energy is useful, good and necessary. That energy can also spill into the primary relationship. (Hubba hubba!) Takes a ton of talking and lot of personal work. I’m building a relationship now that started open and is increasing in both love and commitment. There’s no doubt that we’re each other’s persons, but his links to other people enrich him and help him become more of himself. I’d never deny someone I love the opportunity to become his best self.

@brainyactress Thank you. That was an excellent explanation, and definitely provides a much greater understanding. I think you're spot on with highlighting the general assumption that commitment is based soley on sexual fidelity, and that's likely the one big stumbling block that prohibits people from understanding how an open relationship can also be a very loving, committed one. Thank you for the greater understanding. I'd even go so far as to now say that a healthy open relationship quite possibly displays a greater level of commitment than those that fall under the umbrella of general assumption. Your explanation brings to mind an India Arie lyric I'm fond of "...the highest expression of love is to give without expecting...to accept without exception." You guys may just be onto something. ?

@Amzungu2 I should also clarify that the openness for me, at least, isn’t just about sex. It can be emotional, intellectual, sexual, even an intense friendship. The main thing is there is freedom to explore while a boundary is maintained around the primary relationship because of your commitment to it.

@brainyactress Not everyone wants that or could handle it. I have a theory about human nature/instinct. Men and women evolved different biological imperatives. A caveman would have been motivated spread his seed far and wide Perpetuate the species. A cavewoman on the other hand would be motivated somehow endear herself and make herself valuable the caveman so that he would stick around and protect and provide for her and her children. A lot of things have changed all these centuries later. Women have established their independence, though it has been a hell of a fight every step of the way. The balance of power has shifted a lot... but there is still a strong pull in many women's ancestral memory that makes them yearn for exclusivity. For men, not so much. No slander of men intended. I love men, but I think it is delusional not recognize the fundamental differences between the sexes. Viva la difference. And if you can make an open relationship or polyamory work for you, bravo.

@mollygirl I’m aware and I can, but I disagree with this evolutionary biology perspective. Marriage is an advanced form of mate guarding the developed because of hidden estrus andcwomen’s (Not men’s) inclination toward promiscuity. She had to officially mate with the best provider who may or may not be old, ill, etc. but if she wanted the best genes for her offspring, she was doin’ it behind the shed with the young, virile soldier. Of course, she’d tell her “husband” it was his and would maintain the look of being a good mate so he’d provide. But in practice, in secret, she sought out the best genes.

@mollygirl In regards to my answer to the question, I was asked how I make it work. I don’t prescribe any lifestyle to anyone. We should all do what gives us the best life we can have.

@mollygirl I always trust a woman to disclose her attitude towards promiscuity. ...I have never wanted to impregnate more than one bride. ...open relationship on her part could include bisexuality with a lesbian and me....but I I don't feel that is fair unless another bisexual woman would love us both. ...that was the real lifestyle of Professors Marston and their bi-mistress who loved them both. ..the professors had one son and she had 2 sons....they are all dead now but the Marston son wrote the book and screenplay: THE PROFESSOR and his WONDERWOMEN a great true docudrama about the lie detector inventors. ...all 3 perfected it and the Comic book author who were not the Marvel Comics illustrators

I will had add " and f u , u f ng f .

It was a great show. I concur.

Well said.

I think most people have jealousy issues so likely they would not be ok with it.. but I honestly don't think its contradictory, just not normal in our Christian dominated society..

@Soarfeet yes.. it could be something said because of anxiety. Maybe he'll rethink it as well.

@Soarfeet If it’s not what you want then don’t agree to that. You’re not being judgmental. You’re creating boundaries. If he won’t or can’t honor your boundaries, he’s not for you. I am poly, btw, and it’s never a free-for-all. There are agreements in every relationship that must be honored.

@brainyactress well put!

@Soarfeet, this photo reminded me of a puppy i had who wouldn't let another dog near me. She was obviously the leader of my pack. hahaha Many years ago, i also had a girl friend who demonstrated similar behaviours, but not for long.

@Soarfeet Maybe we are just becoming more aware of it.

@Soarfeet You are absolutely correct....and it is tremendously fulfilling and satisfying....

I've seen many use blokes just waiting for something better to come along.

@Soarfeet very true. Not being one I had a one sided view when I wrote my comment. Thank you for the correction.

I have noticed that over time the idea of open relationships is getting more accepted but I missed the boat on that. I guess i'm just old fashioned and too jealous to share a woman i had feelings for so this question hit a nerve sorry.

@Soarfeet You're right of course but if I was interested in a LTR it would have to be monogamous. If it were a casual fling I couldn't care less.

@Soarfeet after checking out your profile i have to ask. Did someone you are interested in suggest this to you?

@Soarfeet that is a deflating feeling and it sucks. You probably feel like it can become something very fulfilling but his apprehension confuses you. At this point in my life I am ready for a full on relationship with that special someone. Complications are annoying.

No, I haven't been in that situation before. My heart/gut would tell me I now want a monogamous LTR. I'd have to say something at that stage. Delay would only increase the risk of irreparable damage to the relationship IMHO. Trust your instincts.

Yes, been there, done that, and found out that I don't mind it at all. However, complications arise with others sometimes, and their third party members can put a monkey wrench in the works with their hang-ups. Life can be difficult trying to make things work out smoothly.

We were most definitely polyamorous....and living life every moment, of every day....when we woke in the morning, every morning, we knew happiness was coming, or at least great kisses and hugs.

In theory, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that type of relationship, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work for me.