Simple question with an obviously complicated answer: what does it REALLY mean to be emotionally unavailable?
6
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22 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I think it goes way beyond anything to do with sex. Over the years, I've known a number of people who were very likeable - even lovable - but watched them go thru their lives not really "connecting" emotionally with their spouses, children, friends, etc. The guy who spends every free minute in a boat with a fishing rod in his hands while his two sons are home with mom...for example. He "loves" his boys - but he's not emotionally available to them....just one example.
Lavergne
Level 8
May 5, 2019
9
Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?
@DistilledMoon .....Absolutely. For whatever reason - a part of them is simply "closed off" and that enables them to simply hold people at arm's length. I suspect they don't take responsibility because they are not even aware of what's actually going on....
Quite complicated indeed. In my experience there are varying degrees of unavailable. Sometimes it is really hard to see until you are waste deep in the relationship. It seems to me that at some point people, either intentionally or as a defense mechanism, draw a line. This line, once crossed by another person, destroys the possibility of intimate emotional trust/expression. An extremely unavailable individual has such a line drawn everyone crossed it. There is no margin of error, no acceptance of mistake, no trust.
I am no clinician, nor have I studied this subject extensively. This is my opinion based on life experience and self reflection. I have noticed an unavailable aspect in myself, which has fluctuated drastically since my separation from my ex. How I treat her and the kids and...well everyone really. My line is expanding, cause we all make mistakes.
Phayon
Level 5
May 5, 2019
8
Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?
@DistilledMoon honestly, yes. But it isn't specific to men. I think everyone has used some kind of excuse for avoiding responsibility. Typically, from what I have seen, emotionally unavailable individuals tend to project that on their partners and then exit stage left. Even if the "relationship" is over they may continue being with them without actually being with them...if that makes sence.
Someone so emotionally traumatized that they can't respond or very self centered or a sociopath
bobwjr
Level 10
May 5, 2019
9
At the worst I was thinking these as well.
Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?
@DistilledMoon yup some egocentric men may while many would want to break down the barriers to help them get in touch with their feelings and maybe be a good partner again with someone
Honestly, when I see people write that I assume they’re just looking for physical gratification. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. As long as both parties are on the same page.
Green_eyes
Level 8
May 5, 2019
8
Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?
I know that you're right, but I always have a problem with people saying that. I do not believe that sex, which may lead to bringing another person into the world, emotional , mental , and physical ramifications is a sport. Like it or not, there's a tremendous amount of responsibility with having a sexual encounter with another human being. I have yet to meet a counselor or psychiatrist that would agree that having sexual relations with large numbers of people is completely normal and healthy and can never have any negative consequences. No amount of open discussion and openness upfront can completely cover all of the human emotions and problems that may be around the pike.
@DistilledMoon I think there’s times in our lives when that’s are we want or need. You can have responsible sex. In college I was a full time student and also worked full time, the last thing thing I needed was a relationship. If I wanted to hook up with a “friend” I did. No drama.
@Kojaksmom what about infertile people? People that can no longer have kids (seniors), or people that use multiple forms of birth control and luckily never get pregnant? How do you feel about them having casual sex?
@demifeministgal it's not just a breeding thing, but it is the idea that you could only be responsible emotionally for yourself, and sometimes even that is questionable. People have a zero chance of controlling how others might / can deal with casual sex. The human animal is an unpredictable one, and we do not have the ability to see into the future. Sex as a recreational sport is often used to replace true intimacy.
@Kojaksmom okay. But it is the responsibility of the other party to be aware of their needs and what they want. It is not the responsibility of the person being honest and upfront about their casual hooking up nature to do the introspection on behalf of their partner. All we have control over is ourselves as you said. And if one is not sure how they will react to or handle casual sex, they should promptly avoid or exit the hookup world. That's my opinion as someone not personally into casual sex.
Someone is emotionally unavailable if they are unable to respond to your emotional needs, or if they cannot connect with you on an emotional level. You want intimacy, they are only able to do friendship, and a lopsided friendship at best.
HippieChick58
Level 9
May 5, 2019
8
Yeah I was thinking that being their friend would be impossible too..... because you’d have to care even a little about that other person and that involves feelings...
Emotionally unavailable to me means that the person is so wrapped up in something else (could be another person, such as an ex, or their extra- curricular activities) that they can't make you their priority.
Unclehotrod
Level 7
May 5, 2019
8
Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?
Nailed it i think
@DistilledMoon some men, sure. I personally try to do whatever is going to make my woman happy. (Happy wife, happy life.)
It is a complicated idea to be emotionally unavailable.I think a splinter of the meaning involves being self centered. Whether it's a diagnosed condition involving narcissism or just the character trait of always needing to be the center of attention, the first in line or always "right".. people who take little time to share or empathize I feel are quite unavailable emotionally.
Davekp
Level 8
May 5, 2019
6
Follow up question. Do you think some men use it as an easy way out without taking responsibility for their actions?
@DistilledMoon I don't think it's gender specific or biased if that answers your question.. We can all be equal opportunity emotionally unavailable depending on wants. needs and disposition of character. haha
I suppose it means different things to different people, so I can only speak for myself. I feel emotionally unavailable because I've lost my ability to trust. I feel after many setbacks I need to work on myself first. I need to break a lot of bad habits when it comes to relationships. I simply feel that I'm not in a place right now to bring another person into my world.
Kojaksmom
Level 8
May 5, 2019
5
Recognizing that you have a problem , is the first step in correcting it . When I was going through my divorce , I bought a small notebook , and began putting in comments that I liked . Amoung the first , was a quote from a woman , teacher running for President of the US . Her coment : You need to learn to love your self , before you can love anyone else .Hugs , Hon and best of luck !
See though your explanation is more understood and explained than just saying your “emotionally unavailable”.... I like you working on you, that is the best reason to be unavailable! I’m trying to do that!
Good luck on your journey !I feel people who are widowed or divorced have spent many years being defined as being a husband / wife. When all the labels that you've been living under no longer apply, you really have to Define who you are as an individual. Until you really know and love yourself you probably are not going to be able to make anyone else happy or even understand what makes you happy.
You seem to be well aware of your emotional situation and dealing with it rationally, if that makes sense.
Closed off so they can't participate in your affection. Kisses are pecks. Hugs end in little pats on the back, or are sideways hugs. Not interested in sex, or lie listly until you're "finished". Uninterested in family activities, secluded, doesn't participate in family events. Eats alone.
GuitarDoctor
Level 7
May 5, 2019
4
Well in your interpretation that’s been mostly me in my marriage after the abuse began. But it sure is more obvious that way right? You can just tell the distance between you and the other person by those actions of “just going through the motions”
@DistilledMoon it's horrible really. And you hope the next day it will be better. Oh he's probably in a bad mood. Or, he's been working very hard, or any of a million excuses.
I’m in the midst of some of this now. I got badly burned around the first of the year. Part of my healing has been dating. Some of those dates developed. It’s been tough especially with one person who clearly has deep feelings for me. I keep almost getting the same feelings then pulling back emotionally. So, despite the fact that we’d both like me to be, I’m not super emotionally available to him. Not now anyway. I’m simply struggling with letting him in and depending on him. I’ve told him all of this and we have an ongoing dialogue about it. So, I’m working on it.
brainyactress
Level 7
May 5, 2019
3
That’s the closest reply that I’ve received so far to my current dating situation only the guy said it to me and He is almost blaming me for wanting to trust him I don’t know it’s weird .... and yet he is looking for long term relationship on a dating site. Wtf?
@DistilledMoon Blaming is a big red flag. I don’t get upset with my guy for wanting more. I listen and understand and decide to move forward (or not). Blaming is childish and is a form of gaslighting. If he’s not giving you what you want and is unwilling to understand or discuss, he sounds like bad news.
@brainyactress he’s willing to discuss but it’s unmovable. He wants to still be friends. I’m like.... why? You still have to care about other person.
@DistilledMoon When people show you who they are, believe them. 
@DistilledMoon it's not healthy to pretend our feelings are to be set aside yet become involved in any way....dates agreeing to sterilize the moment is not honest....agreement to tell each other lies is sick
@brainyactress I agree.
Fear of closeness, of being hurt, of loss, or having to step up and own your part of the relationship
1000runner
Level 7
May 5, 2019
3
For some it’s a phase. Others a choice, or an excuse. Still others, a character trait, perhaps due to upbringing lacking emotional closeness. Or a little of if all of the above. People and our emotions are complicated and often messy. Some folks are emotionally fastidious to the point of being avoidant. I know I’m unavailable at present, but it took awhile to figure that out. Losing my ‘world’ in wildfire blasted a crater in my emotional world, and i recognize a need to heal before I can handle emotional intensity involving anyone else
Justjoni
Level 8
May 5, 2019
3
Still madly in love with his deceased wife - you can't compete . Madly in love with his Mommy . You may be much better than her . but you don't worship the ground he walks on , like she does . You're straight , he's gay. No matter how great you are , you simply don't have the right equipment for him , you can't compete .
Cast1es
Level 9
May 5, 2019
4
When someone is guarded or shut down and is unable to connect with or express what they're feeling as well as connect to what someone else is feeling or expressing. My feeling is you can only connect with someone else as much as you can connect with yourself.
bleurowz
Level 8
May 5, 2019
3
It means I only want sex
St-Sinner
Level 9
May 5, 2019
2
That was my first guttural reaction to hearing that actually. But I’ve heard it more often than not from my friends trying to date and my own attempts at dating and it’s like..... then why are you messaging me? We aren’t on THAT dating site.... sigh.
I disagree. Men may be in that place, but women rarely are there.
I take the meaning literally. When someone is unable to connect emotionally with another person they are "emotionally unavailable". The reasons for being unable to connect are as varied as the people experiencing them. Maybe they have been hurt in the past and are having trouble opening themselves up to similar pain so they shut down emotionally thinking that this will save them from future pain. If course it will but this goes hand in hand with not connecting and never experiencing the joy of a good relationship. They may have their sights set on something or someone else and not have time or capacity for additional emotional connections, thus being unavailable to anything new. There are hundreds of other reasons why someone might not be ready for a deep emotional connection or choose to not want a connection.
Nukdookum
Level 8
May 5, 2019
2
I have always thought of this as a critique of someone else, not as a self-description.
It could be, for example, a parent with a job and a full slate who is not going to be able to support another person emotionally, whether as friend or as romantic partner.
CallMeDave
Level 8
May 5, 2019
2
When my self and my friends are trying to date other people that may or may not have children that’s where the difference in meaning comes to mind a father who has a 10-year-old daughter for example may not be emotionally available in all fairness because he’s only emotionally available to take care of his daughter right now . Totally fair . There is also a difference say when it’s my soon to be ex-husband saying that he’s emotionally unavailable and that we should still be married for the sake of the children but then he goes and commits domestic violence yeah I’d say that’s not taking responsibility for not wanting to take on the responsibility of being an adult and sharing your feelings with your significant other OR actually changing what doesn’t work and fixing yourself for the sake of the relationship.
It’s a friggin complex statement.
I looked up an old friend of mine I knew in college. I knew her parents were a problem back then. After staying in touch with her for a few years, it turned out that we got along great but she struggled to connect to me emotionally. She struggled to hold my hand.That didn't make sense as I knew she kept my picture in her bedroom. I found out later that her dad was cold and a bit violent and her mom was simply cold. The family was severely dysfunctional. Apparently she had never seen them function as a loving couple. That sounded bizarre to me but later her kids confirmed that she had been a relatively distant mother. She was shocked when her kids told her that. They seemed fairly normal and loved the heck out of her anyway. Neither of her 2 marriages lasted. I decided the relationship wasn't worth the effort. 
Apparently your parents help build the foundation for a loving relationship. She hadn't had the benefit of that foundation.
MojoDave
Level 9
May 6, 2019
1
That literally explains a lot as to why I SHOULD be emotionally unavailable...I experienced neglect. A lot of it.
@DistilledMoon In the first of her 2 marriages, she had been verbally abusive to her husband. In the 2nd I believe she was the victim of verbal/ emotional abuse. It took several very frustrating years of occasional contact with her to learn even this much of the backstory. Several times when I felt close to 'breaking thru' to her emotionally it ended in an argument. Looking back, I suspect she sabotaged the situation. At the time we were in our mid 60s. I didn't see any future in that relationship.
@DistilledMoon A couple of resources that helped me: The 5 love Languages [dropbox.com]
Also go to Google and look up terms like 'dysfunctional family survivors' or similar. Lots of good info.
This usually on individual person I think, you have to be emotionally available at some point
ScienceBill72
Level 7
May 5, 2019
1
Personally, those times where I have no interest in talking to or sharing what another person wants or needs. Disconnecting from the person. From my personal experience sometimes it is a defense mechanism (avoid getting hurt) or you are just over someone.
BrentMBA2004
Level 6
Aug 19, 2019
0
Is that a message from a date or are you considering using the phrase yourself ? ?? If some guy is described that way by himself or someone who knows him....it means they are sublimated or just plain shallow personalities....wanting sex without love is pretty common....if you yourself want to hide your emotions and put up a false bland front....I don't recommend either such a guy or you letting feelings be delayed or hidden ESPECIALLY FROM YOUR SELF
GreenAtheist
Level 8
May 8, 2019
0
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