How do i go about finding a woman that can be (talk or physical) intimate??? By that i mean a kind of sharing our deepest desires etc with each other without judgment or shaming??
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There is not one, correct path to what you are looking for. It has been my experience, the women I have been friends with and been fortunate enough to interact with have been straight forward and open. Intimacy is a result, IMO, of time spent together (physical) and communicating (time together). My lady pointed out to me how chemistry is more physical, but that does not automatically translate to connection/intimacy and I agree.
You mentioned the downside, which is judgement and being shammed, but I submit that perhaps the comments made to you in the past MIGHT have been a critique and not meant to be too critical???
No advice to offer but my opinion is go into a meeting or being around people and "going with the flow". One of my favorite writers, Zora Neale Hurston described love like this and I believe it; "Love is lak de sea. It’s uh movin’ thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it’s different with every shore." (The language spoken from a rural dialect). Basically, each connection/relationship differs and so will your experiences.
BrentMBA2004
Level 6
Jan 23, 2020
0
Your approach is good. Humble without desperation.
EyesThatSmile
Level 8
Jan 22, 2020
0
Ted, baby, your profile says you're married. That is gonna be a heck of a red flag for most ladies. To me that says you're unavailable, and I don't like to share.
HippieChick58
Level 9
Jan 22, 2020
6
You don't even have a pic of how you look. Pics are worth a thousand words. Post dozens; Agnostic doesn't count! The more you post...the more likely to attract...
Robecology
Level 9
Jan 22, 2020
1
There are plenty of women out there looking for precisely the same thing. They won't fall in your lap - or let's just say the odds are against it. You have to get out there and meet people. Yes, dating sites can and do work, but you still have to put in a lot of effort. Men have to work extra hard on dating sites, especially if they don't look like movie stars. Extra-super-duper-holy-shmokes-hard. Don't whine, don't moan, don't wallow in despair, don't be desperate - just shaddup, put on your game face, and put in the time. Persistence is the only way.
A cheerful disposition, a positive outlook, a friendly attitude, a confident stride, and a "fuck it, who cares, let's have a good time" mentality will really help. If you can't muster up any of these, don't bother.
If you want to talk about how to gain traction in any of the qualities I've mentioned above, I'm down. Note, however, that all of the things I'm talking about are adjustments to your outlook, for your benefit. If you're a confident, cheerful, positive person, people gravitate toward you.
Shawno1972
Level 7
Jan 22, 2020
4
when you do a dating profile, be as detailed as possible about what you are looking for. when you communicate with with women, make sure they have read your profile and you are looking for the same things. There are women who want this.
Mermaidfantasy
Level 7
Jan 22, 2020
2
This. And, read THEIR profiles. Don’t bring up sex til they do. It’s often an instant red flag.
I can't think of anyone , male or female , who wants to simply be used . So understand this , according to the US Census of 2015 , it now costs , on average , $250,000 to raise a child . That's a quarter of a million dollars . So if you're thinking no strings attached sex , keep that in mind . You could be asking a woman to be willing to pay out a quarter of a million dollars for one night of sex with you , and that's not even guarrunteeing that it will be good sex . And yes , I've known women who had sex once got pregnant , and the male walked off . I also know a woman who's boyfriend got her pregnant , gave her money and told her to have an abortion , then broke off with her , because after all , she killed the fetus . I read a lot of men whining about , we divorced and she took everything . On the other side ,of that picture , the men seem to forget that once you've created children , they don't simply disappear because you're no longer having sex with their Mom . Yes they are expensive to raise . I waved alimony when we divorced . My ex contributed $150 a month , to support two children . One day he came to me and told me he couldn't live on what he had left . He'd already told me he was eating his meals out in restrants . I pointed out to him , that if we subtracted what he was paying in child support from his income and added it to my income , I still had less to support the three of us , than he had to support himself alone . His response was , " Three ? ? ? "
So I'd suggest to you , that you recognize what you're expecting from any woman . and what you're expecting from your self , then add to that , what work you're willing to put into your relationship and what work you expect her to do for you , then viewing things relistically , ask yourself if you'd be willing to be on the other side of the equation .
Cast1es
Level 9
Jan 22, 2020
4
We are out there. Chat with women wherever you meet them. Be kind, listen, and don't judge them. You'll find out soon enough if a woman is even able to be intimate in the ways you're describing. I have found that very few men can be truly intimate.
Wildflower
Level 8
Jan 22, 2020
4
put out a bulletin describing what you want
TheDoubter
Level 9
Jan 22, 2020
1
@wrrider100 just post here what you're looking for in a woman and ask that interested women reply. bulletin was a poor choice.
Answer: You might have to kiss a few frogs first.
mischl
Level 8
Jan 22, 2020
5
They let us kiss them?
@BitFlipper My experience has been they LOVE to be kissed. Not only that, you meet some of the nicest people that way.
@mischl I don't want to meet people in jail!
@BitFlipper Uh oh, I can't advise you. I've never been there except for counseling time with prisoners.
Start as friends...
Cutiebeauty
Level 9
Jan 22, 2020
4
I keep hearing this "friends first" thing and I call BS. I have never had a female friendship that has turned into a romance. It's frustrating and painful to be in that situation.
@BitFlipper if you keep hearing it, there must be some truth to it.. Just because it hasn't worked for you yet doesn't mean it's bs.. I've seen it happen frequently with my gfs...
@Cutiebeauty well it must be me then. I'm not falling for it any more.
@BitFlipper It does happen. I just started a romantic relationship with a man who has been my friend for 24 years. Him and his ex and me and my ex where the best of friends, our two families did all kinds of stuff together. We now find ourselves both single and decided to give it a try as lovers, been great so far,
@Mermaidfantasy I'm talking about what happens when I meet a woman in a dating situation, where both of us are available. The "friendzone" is a permanent status.
@BitFlipper Could be, or could start out as that. Do you make it clear that you are intersted in moving beyond friends right from the start? Like becomming friends is fine to start, to get to know each other but you are looking for more in the end?
@Mermaidfantasy That sounds silly coming from a sophisticated woman like you. If a woman isn't interested she's not interested.
I have actually expressed those feelings in the past and experienced some of the most humiliating rejections in my life. If I'm attracted to a woman and she isn't attracted to me, the best alternative is to keep my mouth shut. That way, at least I get to enjoy her company.
@BitFlipper I could imagine that as women get older they are not looking for so much for a sex partner as much as friends or companionship. Sorry you have had no luck in finding a full partner.
@Mermaidfantasy lol - if luck was involved some of it would be good luck. I don't know whether talking about it makes it better or worse.
I would prefer to amend the advice a bit. Starting as friends works if you want to end up as "just friends." But a man should make no bones about what he wants from the woman he pursues. Don't trick her into thinking you're "just friends" if you really want more than that. It's not fair to either of you. So if you don't want to be "just friends" with a woman, you have to indicate as much, and early.
BitFlipper is right about that.
The "friendzoning" that you're referring to, BitFlipper, is never the woman's fault. I want to be clear on that.
UUNJ:
@BitFlipper So you’re expecting to go from zero to sexual intimacy with no friendship? If so, get on Tinder and find someone down for no-strings sex. Or pay for sex. Intimacy takes time, trust, caring, mutual interest, vulnerability. Those are qualities in good friendships.
UUNJ:
@BitFlipper, @Mermaidfantasy Actually, many older women prefer to live alone and have regular, high-quality sex. You need to be clear on what you’re truly looking for and then communicate it. And as someone noted, if you are married, you’ll need to be upfront about whether you have an open marriage or just want an affair. Some women may be OK with an affair. Just do them and yourself the favor of honesty.
@UUNJ I don't think he's saying he wants zero to intimacy. He's just worried about being stuffed into the friend zone, and would like to know how not to end up there when what you want is something more. It's perfectly reasonable to want to pursue a woman romantically without having to "befriend" her in that sense, but I think the potential ambiguity of the term "friend" is the difference in this conversation. When I pursue a woman romantically, of course I do want to be her friend, but I don't want her to get the impression it's all I want. Men should not be unclear about what they really want. That's not fair to anyone, as it can and often does lead to a misunderstanding - and more broken hearts than are necessary.
@UUNJ you have totally misunderstood me. And in a way that's kind-of insulting.
I've been warned that the reality of my life is too depressing, so I'm choosing my words carefully.
Yes, friendships do take time, trust, caring, mutual interest, and vulnerability. Intimate relationships require those things too, but they also require attraction. And as my therapist keeps telling me: if a woman isn't interested she isn't interested, and we need to respect that.
UUNJ:
@BitFlipper Your therapist is correct. Same is true for men. Have you ever asked why someone wasn’t interested? I have, and it was helpful. I learned that while I was answering the questions someone asked to get to know me, he felt I wasn’t expressing the same interest in him. So now I try to ask an equal number of questions when I’m getting to know someone. It takes time and questioning to suss out what it is we may be doing that isn’t working. You mentioned concern about being shamed, and that’s a big deal. Maybe you could use help finding the ideal places to meet women who would appreciate the very things others aren’t attracted to.
@BitFlipper you're getting feedback from three women here, all different ages and lifestyles, all pretty much giving the same advice, even @uunj, an expert in human sexuality, yet you resist and become defensive.. perhaps you are getting in your own way... ? It does seem like you've given up...
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