Thank you all for your kind and well intentioned comments;I have tried to move on,I will try,but am not certain I can.

Definitely know the feeling of wish it we me rather than her. But it was not. My late partner and I agreed, when we first married, that when one of our time's came the other would try to keep the mourning time down and then get on with life. If one wants to really honor their lost partner one needs to look and live ahead. If I thought, for one second my late partner would be miserable, had I died first, it would only add to my suffering and I know she felt the same way. The one time I made her cry was when I told her how much I would miss her - she didn't want to hear that but only wanted good thoughts. I ended up having to walk my comment back. She would often tell people we are not living in India where the woman throws herself on the funeral pyre after the mans death or Greece were the women dons black for life (and often kidnaps a son to fill in the shoes of the dead spouse). We must not let our culture prolong our grief process.

Not a unusual unfortunately if you can get some grief counseling

I think what you feel is what we all feel when we lose someone we love and care for deeply, and who has been part of our lives for many years. That feeling of being bereft is due to grief and we need some time to come to terms with it. However, we need to move past this grief after some time because if we don’t we get mired down in an ever downward spiral of unhappiness and a feeling of life being meaningless., just like you’ve described. I think after this length of time you need to try to get out of the mindset you are in by making some real changes to your life and routine. I’m sure you can do this if you can stop dwelling on your loss which leads to negative thoughts and instead focus on how lucky you were to have her in your life and the positive thoughts associated with her memory. I feel sure she’d want you to be happy, and you owe it to her and to yourself to honour that, but only you can make the positive changes needed to move forward and do it. Happiness is a state of mind which is within our own gift, a loving partner to share our lives is a wonderful thing to have, but life is full of other wonderful things too if we just realise it. You will never replace your girlfriend and she’ll always have a special place in your heart and your memory, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have an infinite capacity to be happy with other things and people in the present and the future.

I lost my husband in June of 2018. It has been a struggle, but I’ve gone on with my life. I have made a lot of changes, all I feel for the better. I miss him terribly, but I also knew I couldn’t stay in my grief forever. I picked up and moved from Texas to California, and believe it has helped my frame of mind. I hope you find some comfort and can make some changes that move you forward.