My husband of 36 years died on August 17th of 2017. Laryngeal cancer. It was a fucking nightmare. His suffering was beyond description.
I took care of him. Yes I had hospice visiting, but I took care of him. Every medication, injections, feeding, cleanings. I picked him up off the floor more times then I can remember. When pieces of his flesh fell away I picked them up and dressed his wounds.
Now that's over. The worse of course were the last few months, but it's done. He has gone back to being star stuff and I am still here. I wake up and I have to live life. thing is, since I was 18 when I chose him, I am not real sure how to do that.
I'm figuring it out. In the mean time. I just want to say I have always had a live and let live attitude. If your into religion and it does something good for you by all means have at it. I have had a difficult enough time the past couple years and I am now intolerant of religion and it's people. I didn't need you 20 years ago, I don't need you in my face now.
I want to stop being angry.... but... maybe not yet.
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5 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.It is hard to stop being angry, it takes a while. My husband had a cerebral aneurysm with a level 5 bleed which leaves major brain damage. He survived for 6 years in a semi vegetative state with very limited capacity. Ni looked after him, diapers, feeding, etc. It was horrible. After his death I really missed him even as he was. Nit has now been 9nyears since his death and life feels ok again. It took a couple of years to start feeling ok but now I think I am even ready for a relationships. Ni should sY that prior to his illness I did believe there was a God. Ni am now totally convinced that there is not and religion just makes me angry. Such nonsense. I hope you find peace soon. I feel for you deeply.
Nemonova
Level 2
July 10, 2018
0
I was caretaker for my wife, who died of lung cancer. The tragedy was the loss, the love gained thru the last couple years of being together, was not so obvious over the course of a 50 year marriage....something in the cancer brought us closer and closer them even dreamed....after 12 years since her departure, I am still emotionally married, still have her in my heart, tho not in my arms...LIFE IS GOOD.
NormCastle
Level 7
June 13, 2018
1
@Jonado GOOD FOR YOU....
I can only imagine the terrible suffering you've been through. I watched my husband slowly destroy himself struggling with addiction. He overdosed for the last time November 2 and I'm left with so many conflicting feelings. I've had a difficult time not responding aggressively to the religious platitudes, especially from those who knew we were atheists. I know these things bring others comfort and I don't want to take that away from them, but I just hated them foisting that crap on me and insisting I NEED it. I struggle daily and agree with others who say fake it until you make it. I hold onto the hope that eventually there will be joy again.
Untamedshrew
Level 7
June 13, 2018
0
Anger is one of the steps in grieving. It's natural after what you have been through. The trick is to direct the anger at the right place at the right times.
After my wife of 36 years died, my life was destroyed. I knew I had to find a way to move forward. But how? And which way is forward when my life was now upside down?
I imagined what I wanted my life to be as a widower and I imagine what I should be like then. Fake it 'til you make it.
dare2dream
Level 7
June 13, 2018
1
@Jonado : You're right. We don't go through stages one at a time in some order. You are also right that the five stages were for dying people to find peace in accepting their eminent death. But survivors go though those steps too. And for survivors there is a sixth step. Reconstruction.
@Jonado, @Holiday : Visualize the life you want for yourself going forward. Dare 2 dream. 
What steps are needed to achieve your goal?
@Jonado I know. I lost my wife cancer five years ago. I've reached a new normal, but still miss her every day.