I lost my husband of 42 years last February. We struggled for 20 years of that time to beat back the terminal diagnosis of Wegeners Granulomatosis. He first lost his lung capacity after repeated bouts of pneumonia then his endurance, then anything that took energy including a job he loved. This sums up the first 10 years of his diagnosis. Eventually he lost kidney function, started dialysis (which I learned to do at home because the travel to/from was so hard on him) and then the circulation in his extremities. He passed when his strong heart could not take any more strain. I was in the grief process for what we were losing from the first time he had pneumonia which kept him in hospital for over a month.
I felt devastated by the weight of the things we had lost from our marriage and relationship for so long before he actually passed that when he took his last ragged breath it was a relief. He was not in pain any more; he was not frustrated by the simple process of daily functions that had become too much for him. He was an amazing man that I will always love and I know that he is glad to be done with this world.
Before he passed, he told me to start my life again. He wanted to give me back those lost years of life that we had spent at doctors and hospitals and treatment appointments. He wanted me to find someone who could make me laugh, and love and be happy. AND I wanted that too.
I grieved alone for 6 months and then I joined a couple of online dating sites where scammers we're more plentiful than real people. But one of those real people found me. And I'm not looking back, even though I miss him terribly. I want toove on, I've spent enough time grieving my losses. It is time to live again and if I can't live the life we envisioned together, then I'm going to give what I can to living another dream where I feel alive.

Thank You for sharing . It’s so hard.

I, too, was comforted when my wife was beyond the reach of her suffering.

My neighbor across the street just lost his wife to pancreatic cancer and the end game was about the same ... he had to insist she go to hospital, where they determined her cancer had spread, and then she ended up in hospice and lasted about 2 days. Her death was just before New Year's, so his grief is still raw, but as with you and I, he'd also done some of the grieving between the diagnosis and the end of her life.

If it can be said that anything good came out of my wife's suffering, it's that it taught me how to be present for someone like my neighbor, and helped me accept that death is a part of life, if not always on the schedule we'd want it to be.

The two best pieces of advice I got from friends after my wife's death were:

1. Don't make any major life decisions for at least a year
2. Do lots of walking

I think (1) is probably more universally good advice than (2), but (2) was very helpful for me, also. I entered my first serious relationship about 2 and a half years after my wife's death, and that was about right for me. My now-wife was only 6 months out from her husband's death, and that was about right for her (she was basically in the middle of a split from him anyway when he managed to drive his car under a truck).

Everyone's situation is different but giving yourself lots of time and patience is always key. You have almost 3 months under your belt, and you will probably find your emotions all over the place for at least another year, if not two ... just allow for that and be leery of "rebounds".

My husband passed from pancreatic cancer 2 years ago. A terrible disease. We will never forget. You wrote a beautiful post. I also wish our last conversation would have been different but as long as we were there when they needed us. ?

Nov. 19, 2017. Not even fourteen months ago. I'm still lost.

Thank you for sharing this account. As I read it I was reminded of elements of the story of my wife passing away in 2002. (March 7,2002 7:15PM but who keeps track?). Others have pointed out that only someone who has been there can really understand, and even then your grief is your own and unique. I don’t know how you feel, only how I felt at that moment. Sorry for your loss.

Your heart wrenching account brought tears to my eyes. Those tears were followed by rejoicing that your wife was so well cared for and your family so supportive.

Very sorry for your loss. I had to stop reading several times as the tears in my eyes got in the way. I lost my husband on June 22, 2018 and feel like I've been in a fog for the 6 months he's been gone. Thank you for sharing your very personal grief with us. I haven't been able to remove my wedding ring just yet.

Just to let you know i cried as i read this. It is so loving and beautiful. My husband died 3 years ago and I just got a boyfriend, so I.m off on a new journey.

I know your sorrow and resignation. I saw my wife take her last breath , succumbing to ALS.

[goodreads.com]

“To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one's self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one's self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another--and to one's inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon's own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child's scars
Or an adult's deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are--and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.”

I totally understand - my experience was much the same.

people have asked me about how the long slow loss compares to the sudden loss (say a heart attack) - not sure there is anyway to quantify the loss for the extended period but it does allow time for important discussions

You are very brave sharing this with us so soon, but you are doing all the right things to adjust to the sad fact that she has gone and life has to go on for you without her. That is much the same way that I dealt with the loss of my husband Peter, by rationalising that I knew he would be unhappy to know that I was not moving on with my life and trying to be happy again. We have to try and think the positive thoughts of how fortunate we were to have them in our lives for so long, rather than the more negative ones of sadness and grief at their loss. Hold onto the memories of the happy times, but never let them get in the way of your future happiness...you owe that to yourself.

Thanks for sharing a part of your life with us...