It has been almost 4 years since cancer took my wife of 43 1/2 years. I think about her every day. And although the pain has subsided a bit it is still there. And the lingering question - why.
But since I still live I must go on. The adjustment, as life changes are, is difficult. From the comfort of loving touch to cooking for one. From sleeping alone to doing things alone. Knowing that you alone are responsible for your contentment. I continue to maintain a healthy outlook and be involved.
The grieving process is supposed to take about 2 years. But it never really ends. Adjustments are made and you do not have that feeling of being lost or overwhelmed and life settles into routines. I find that I still have interests to pursue, family and friends that care, activities to enjoy and the requirements of living to perform.
I get lonely at times. I would like to have a female friend to share time, activities, events and social gatherings with.while I find my adjustment to being alone makes attractive the ability to do or not to do as the mood strikes. But it becomes more and more easy not to do which I believe is a bad thing.
Well enough. Each of us has to find our own way with what life has left us. Thank you for listening.
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Your story sounds similar to mine. I'm almost 5 years a widow, and I still miss him. I get so tired of being alone and I struggle in every way without him. I guess we all are finding our way out of our grief. We all own our own grief, and all of our experience are so similar yet no two people grieve alike.
Kojaksmom
Level 8
Jan 21, 2019
1
I think "why" is the wrong question ... and we should do our best not to torment ourselves with it. It is a question we ask ourselves because we feel wronged by life, that it was "supposed" to go a particular way / follow a particular story arc, because we were good / worthy / virtuous / hard-working / well-meaning enough to "deserve" it.
That's not to say it feels any less obscene to me that my wife suffered so much for so long, and died in the end anyway. It felt like a raw deal, for her and for me, in terms of effort / intent vs outcomes on various levels. However, objectively, it wasn't any kind of a deal, because there's no deal-maker. It's just not the desired outcome, and there's nothing to guarantee we'll get the desired outcome. There was no way to be more deserving or worthy, or more in control, than we were.
Once you understand this, it does make bearing your losses easier, because you know there's nothing you could have done differently. If you left nothing unsaid and undone between each other, that's better still.
mordant
Level 8
Jan 21, 2019
0
Thank you for sharing those feelings. That is not an easy thing to do. I have been a widow for almost 20 years. My husband was 14 years my senior. I guess i thought he would live forever. The first two years left me in a fog. After that I got it together, dated a couple of men, joined a couple of clubs, etc....and now i’m In a routine. I have family and that’s great. ....but I miss the closeness and the intimacy of being married. I empathize because I am still in that place...to do or not to do. Peace.
IAmLove
Level 7
Jan 21, 2019
1
No magic time period . . . it takes the time it takes
bookofmorons
Level 9
Jan 21, 2019
3
Some authorities are of the opinion that you might need up to a year for every 4 years of the marriage. I don’t agree but four years might easily not be enough for a 43 year marriage. My 28 year marriage seems to be taking more than 3 years. But I got mixed up in a really disastrous relationship when I thought that her last year plus the next year was sufficient. I am regretting at leasure my haste.
Detritus
Level 7
Jan 21, 2019
2
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