Lost my wife almost six years ago, (also to lymphoma) after 52 yrs marriage. When alone and unoccupied I still cry sometimes.I try to be busy and/or out with other people, although certain places or people can bring on grief.

I truly do not understand why anyone would tell a person who lost a loved one any of those things. It seems so mean spirited to me, and cruel as well. Very sorry for your loss.

I get the impression that our society (and religions in particular) train us to be very hurtful to people in distress. The common sayings like “it’s a good thing she is not in pain anymore”, or “you need to move on and forget it” are harmful. It is like institutionalized bullying. Part of the training is to make sure that if you point out just how hurtful they are they turn on you with accusations. The only real answer is to politely “thank” them and find a grief share group to talk with. Sorry for your loss doesn’t cut it, but it’s the best I can do.

Sometimes I just do not even want to discuss it with people as things they say upset me and infuriate me but other times I try to think they mean well.
Just do what you need to do for you.

people try to helpwhetherthrough personal experience or through having seen others go through it. live with it just don't be a dick about it

People instinctively want to help, but most don't know how to just be present and quietly supportive will not attempting to problem-solve. "Being present" is the best in-person approach, but appears counter-intuitive to many people. Unconsciously, often, they're trying to reduce their own discomfort with your grief so they can focus their attention on something other than death, like, say, their own immortality projects. Hence, the "advice".

There's a woman in our 'hood who is hovering around a newly-minted widower (less than a month!) with all sorts of unwanted advice (and no, she's not coming on to him, she's married, she's just a drama-loving busybody who likes the attention she gets from being the bearer of bad news and/or unwanted advice). I suppose she embodies what you're talking about. Fortunately the guy in question is such a strong Buddhist that he actually seems truly ego-less. It doesn't seem to exasperate him like it would me. Or maybe it's just the shock and awe of his situation. I don't know.

On the other hand ... particularly online ... one can legitimately share their own experiences, not just for you, but for various readers / lurkers over time. Don't assume that in doing so, people assume your mileage won't vary or that think their way is the only right way. When I do it, it's "for what it's worth", which is usually probably $0.02 plus inflation.

I'll bet the unsolicited advice by now is running towards "time to move on and of course you should date if you wish to". That's not bad advice at 3.5 years, on average, but of course it's not the right answer for everyone.

In your own time. In your own way. It's different for each of us. We don't lose our other half and then just move on. It's not like a divorce.

Just ignore them. It probably mean well but don't know how to express it.

Grieving is individual and you just have to tell your friends where you are at. The natural tendency is for us to care about those we care about. They want to make it better. Thank them for it and tell them you will let them know when you are ready - when / if you are.

I hear you - take all the time your need.