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My wife died the morning of Mach 19th, 2016. She was a breath of fresh air from being in an abusive relationship for 20 years (on paper). When she died people thought I would commit suicide. Off myself. Being a gun dealer I have many, and several, options. Just because I lost the love of my life does NOT make me weak. Does NOT make me have a need for death. Sure I have had some severe lows. No reason to be weak and take my own life. Suicide is for losers. For the attention seekers. You're dead. What benefit from attention is there? What is there to gain from killing yourself? The Sun is darkest before the morning. I truly don't understand the abandonment everyone WE knew had just walked away. I have been absolutely alone since the day she died. I did not seek counseling that would do no good. You can call a number and someone that knows NOTHING about what you went through/going through will be able to say words to make everything alright? Nope. I am a survivor. I survive EVERY day! Others thought I was weak? THE hardest part is the people that were "friends" that abandoned me. The "friends" that thought I would off myself. I wake up every day and know that I will live today better than yesterday. The hard part? Waking up every day. It's all down hill from there. I woke up on the right side of the grass. I see people so miserable in this world. I should be way more miserable than them. The rule makers. The supposed to police. I would really like some little mindless "been there, done everything" rule maker that KNOWS it all to walk in my shoes for a few steps. The high and mighties. You have been nowhere. You have seen NOTHING. You have experienced NOTHING. Yet you judge others? Wonderful little puppies. Shoveling your shinola. That's why I don't play. I have been somewhere. A DARK somewhere. I don't fear death. I don't FEAR tomorrow. I fear today. There are people that fear their existence! I will not cower to the people offended by truths and reality. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. I'm not afraid. A little scared? Maybe. But I am NOT afraid. You think I have a will to die? Not today. But I do not fear death. I just hate being handed a hand of alone. I'm tired of being alone. I just wish for someone to get me out of this abyss. Suicide has never, or will be, an option. Alone is a more bitter death. I dread each day with no change from yesterday. Tomorrow might be better. Today wasn't that great. Always tomorrow. Yesterday is nothing but a memory.
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My wife of 36 years died from ALS in 2012.
I considered suicide for the first year or so but it was not because I was a loser or wanted attention. It was because I had no hope for my future.
I sense a lot of bitterness in your post. That is understandable but it is something that will hold you back from the life you want going forward.
It may be true that a counselor has not gone through what you have but maybe they have and are moved to help others? Even if they have not been in any dark place as you have, they can show you there is hope. Hope is what we need to go forward and find happiness again.
Before I could start writing the new chapter of my life I had to turn the page on the old chapter. The good news is we get to write that next chapter of our life any way we want it to be.
Good luck on your journey.
dare2dream
Level 7
May 30, 2019
0
i lost my wife in 2015. you grieve but it's necessary to handle grief or it will handle you.
TheDoubter
Level 9
May 30, 2019
0
you sound like you are aware of yourself and being good to yourself too and that is what is important. When my wife died, I knew that it was going to get very quiet almost immediately becuase people need time and space to come to grips withit too.
but over the years things heal over . . not perfect but its a wonderful life
bookofmorons
Level 9
May 30, 2019
4
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