Me again. i would like to express my experience with "moving on". My husband died 17 years ago, and i had never even contemplated moving on. i understood the concept as it related to moving on from bad decisions, unhealthy relationships, and so forth. It is an ENTIRELY different moving on from the death of the love of your life.
Moving on from this type of loss has not been possible for me, and i never want to move on. what happened to me was so painful my heart literally hurt. i came to believe that a better plan for me was to grieve as long as necessary, and it was a long time for me to understand that for me, there was no moving on. i did heal and get happy again, over and over, but in the form of my memories i have brought him with me on my healing journey. The passage of time is the grest healer and can't be rushed.
grief is complicated and i had an awareness during my "griefquakes" that i had to just let it roll through, no matter how long or difficult. It gets you now or later, so i just did the now grieving.
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Moving on. I’ve been thinking a lot about that term and what it may mean. When someone tells you that you need to “move on with your life”, what are they really saying? Are they telling you to forget your old life and start a new one or are they telling you they are done with your grieving? Do they think they are helping or is there a fraction of selfishness involved.
Moving on. We get up and start our day and take care of our responsibilities. We are moving on with our day. Repeated days, weeks, and years, are we moving on? Of course, we are, life demands that as long as we breathe we move on.
Moving on also means moving forward towards something and that means moving away from. I lost my husband seventeen years ago this coming June. For twenty-eight years it was “us” and “we”, every decision and every choice was made with “us” and “we”. When he died it became “I” and “me”. Every little decision was now in my lap, no more “us”. Learning to be one instead of a team and each passing day that turned into weeks, months, and years it became easier. That is moving on. Do I stop hurting, missing him, or being sad? No. It will always be with me, just not every minute of the day.
Betty
Level 9
May 26, 2018
1
Thank you Betty. I relate to all that you've beautifully put into words. one thing in particular struck me. Other people wanting to move on from our grief. At times i feel shame for even mentioning his name. But i want to say his name and things about him. i don't want him lost. But i can see their eyes glaze over. that makes me sad.
Some people don't like to feel uncomfortable and are unsure how to react so they back off. I have encountered those situations and like you, I felt sad and would avoid making them uncomfortable. I don't know at what precise point my attitude changed...now I don't let anyone prevent me from mentioning his name or sharing a memory if it pertains to the conversation. The shame is on them if they try to make me feel bad.
Thank you for sharing this. I've been feeling conflicted about letting go of things like voice mails and a t-shirt with his smell. I think I've been trying to drag myself through this process when I need to just take my time. The pain is so intense, it makes me want to try to rush through but I can't.
Untamedshrew
Level 7
May 25, 2018
1
Right after he died i did give away some stuff. But i later regretted it. there really is no rush.
Buddhism teaches us that suffering is caused by attachment and to end suffering we must detach (let go).
Is your grieving preventing you from having a new life? Is grieving preventing you from finding happiness again? From loving again?
We all grieve differently and let go and moving on differently. But for me, the sooner the better! I wanted to get past that painful phase as soon as possible!
dare2dream
Level 7
May 25, 2018
0
OHHHH do I understand what you are saying.....my wife died 12 years ago with the agony of cancer..I have dated a few times, but emotionally i am still married...when I have gone out...i keep looking for people who could tell my wife....and a couple times I truly have felt as if i were cheating....
NormCastle
Level 7
May 25, 2018
2