So I have an uncomfortable suspicion regarding my father. For years now, I've suspected he may be a pedophile, but uses his religion to keep himself in check. Its sort of the original reason I started my email conversations with him, to eventually ask him.... but while it bothers me, its not exactly an easy topic to approach... "hey dad, remember that time you told me (for reasons entirely unknown to me) about how you molested your cousin when she was young? Have you felt any urges to do the same to other young girls?"
I have a theory that a large part of the reason he's so fanatical about religion, is that he doesn't think he could control himself without believing he'll go to hell if he gives in. Its one reason I have zero interest in deconverting him... but pretty sure its a contributing factor as to why I find it difficult to love him.
He's a great daddy, but not so much all that great a father. He can relate spectacularly to kids 10 and under. His favorite movies have always been disney. He's emotional in the way I expect some children to be, and he even acts like a child a lot..... that and some things my mom has told me about him inviting a little girl to have dinner with him and my mom (without her parents) before I was born...
To be fair, to my knowledge, he has not actively engaged in anything inappropriate with a child since he diddled his cousin decades ago, also before I was born, possibly before he even married my mom (who was an underage teenager when he met her, 7 year age difference). Just seem to be red flags all over, but no way to confirm them without asking, but not only would it hurt him, I doubt I'd get a straight answer.
Thoughts?
6
Enjoy being online again!
Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.Create your free account
25 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.
You intend to ask your dad at some point if he is a pedophile? You're headed down a dark, dark road. I would strongly consider talking to a professional rather than a bunch of unqualified strangers on a forum.
Shawno1972
Level 7
June 19, 2019
4
Yes, always get professional help. But getting prospective on how to handle a situation is valuable information.
I agree completely!
@Mnovex - I think we've greatly exceeded the "valuable information" threshold, here. The guy and his mom suspects his dad may be a pedophile. The "getting perspective" phase needs to immediately transition into the "getting help" phase. No excuses; the time to act is now.
Damn sorry to hear that. Live your life for you. I have parents that are pastors that think i work for the devil. I have spent years deppressed over wanting to keep them happy. That happens no more. Live for you. Enjoy your life
Saike
Level 3
June 19, 2019
3
What’s the pay rate for working for the devil and have you got any jobs going? 
well i'd hate to judge without being an expert (i've watched a lot of svu and that's about it) and without knowing him, but the signs are all there. the scary thing is, (i think) more people use religion to justify acting on their pedophilia than to suppress it, and if he really was (still) acting on it, how would you even know? you would probably have to invade his privacy illegally (like breaking into his computer to see if kid porn was there) or following him around to know; i can't think of a way to get a confession... and what would you do if you got one? if you seriously think he may be harming children, you might want to get someone who knows how to investigate to do so instead of asking him. if you do not think so, leave it to the mysteries of time (if i may be all cliche-y). the statute of limitations has run out on anything he may have done in the time frame you mention, and you may need to make peace with your desire to know. troublingly, pedophiles don't just stop, and as i say, religion doesn't tend to hold them at bay -- not christianity, anyway.
g
genessa
Level 8
June 19, 2019
5
Well if I ever found for certain in the affirmative, more likely than not I'd warn him that if I ever heard of him harming a kid, I'd beat him to within an inch of death.... Sort of extra incentive to simply worrying about hell after death.
@DaveBA5150 that would not stop him. it would only make him be more discreet, which does not help any children. if he's doing it still, we want him to be LESS discreet and get caught! it also could put you in physical danger. so i do NOT recommend that.
g
@genessa We don't even want him to be less discreet and get caught. We want this headed off at the pass. Listen, Dave, if you and your mom truly believe your dad might be a pedophile, do something about it now. Professional assistance. Pronto. No more victims.
@Shawno1972 if he is still doing it, he needs to be caught. counseling is curiously ineffective. there is no cure other than chemical castration and some people get around that by taking testosterone. i am not trying to be mean. i am not even saying he is definitely offending, though as i say the signs ARE there. but if he IS, then he needs to be apprehended.
g
@DaveBA5150 how is your intention to pulverizing your father any different from gay bashing a brother or friend you learn is gay ? Please leave your dad alone. Don't harangue your mom about sex habits either....there are enough gay teens killing themselves because of family xian shaming and delivering them from the demon of homosexual Satan insane gibberish...don't be a mirror image fundamentalist sex sleuth....If he volunteers to be the bible camp cook for girls....how would you know in time to get him fired from the volunteer cook job
@GreenAtheist being a pedophile and possibly acting on same is NOT the same as being gay. having sex with children is neither legal nor ethical, for a child cannot consent.
g
@genessa I was contrasting gay bashing with father bashing....I condemn rapist priests who harm more girls than boys....why tag me when family violence is the issue here not gays or pedophiles
@GreenAtheist i tagged you because i was specifically responding to your mentioning gay bashing. and the issue is NOT family violence. it is pedophilia and what to do if you suspect someone, even if it's your dad, is or was an active pedophile.
g
The poster clearly typed "beat him within an inch of death" and that kind of family violence should not be ignored
@GreenAtheist that's not what the post was about (and it was in a response, not in the original post, albeit the response was by the original poster). he said he would beat his father if he heard of his father harming a child. maybe he really would and maybe that's just how he feels but it's NOT what the POST was ABOUT.
g
@GreenAtheist you know, when my guy doesn't communicate and he's home late from wherever he was going, sometimes i say "if he's not dead and lying in a gutter, i'm gonna kill him when he gets home!" i don't mean it. most people would know that.
g
@genessa I believe you equally as I believe the posters intended raging reinforcements to the hell fire beliefs of his father...testosterone drives male aggression as progesterone drives feminine messages
@GreenAtheist i do not think he will beat his father to a pulp even if he finds out his father has harmed a child. i think a cooler head will prevail and i HOPE what he would do is then to turn his father in. until then, and there may be no "then," i would not worry about that aspect of the issue.
g
@genessa your reading from a kindly woman view I read a lifetime viewpoint of a son haunted by an ancient confession and Disneyesque personality ...I dismiss neither your well informed concerns nor the "uncomfortable suspicion" as off hand remarks
@genessa I agree your cool head and my confrontation IF READ has calmed down this troubled son of a believer
@GreenAtheist lol cool
g
@genessa I sign love letters with a big cursive L...my sweet g
@GreenAtheist lol
g
Were he & this girl about the same age? Mutual Exploration is Not molestation!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
June 19, 2019
4
It's all about how you come at a person. Do you want to persecute or help? What I've learned is a lot people who have those impulses have been victims of the same acts, but have no way to get help because it's so taboo and really who would want to admit that. And for some those kind of thoughts just continue to tear them apart. I hope the best for you and your Father. We can't all be the best people. Some of us just have to shoot for decent.
Mnovex
Level 3
June 19, 2019
3
It must be hard to live with this question. I'm sorry.
Stephanie99
Level 8
June 20, 2019
3
This is the first time I've read an observation like this. You have a unique perspective on the topic, and I can see why the situation makes you uncomfortable. And THANK YOU for sharing it.
I agree with your opinion that the world is better off with your father believing in hell. This is the first account I've read that makes an effective argument in favor of practicing an otherwise useless religion. Maybe it's good that he fears burning in hell.
BitFlipper
Level 8
June 19, 2019
3
Religion can serve as a cloak and provide access to trusting kids.
Sorry you are dealing with this and couldn't tell you what to do. Is your relationship such that you could approach him and have him be able to believe that you are working to help him?
itsmedammit
Level 8
June 19, 2019
2
How long ago did your father tell yo about the encounter? How old was he & she at the time? Have you thought about asking your father’s cousin about this?
indirect76
Level 7
June 19, 2019
2
Best response yet. I also wonder if there is some discrete way to talk to the parents of other young relatives...are children currently in danger seems to be the important question, not just satisfying curiosity.
All of this must be really difficult for you. but you're an adult now and you know the difference between good and bad and right and wrong and therefore your urge to want to know whether your dad has put his despicable ways behind him and perhaps sought professional help. The reasons you possibly find it difficult to love him is because you're not sure whether he still plays these dirty games in his head or whether it's still a reality for him and the fact you have knowledge about his "doings". Perhaps asking him on email is your only way out so he is aware this still worries you. You can bet he won't accompany you to a psychologist, so that's out of the question.
I can only hope I have not offended you by my response as my intention was to try and help you. In whichever way you decide, I can only hope it would bring closure for you. It must not be easy for you considering this is your dad. All the best.
TimeOutForMe
Level 8
June 19, 2019
2
I doubt asking him will bring upon any resolution for you. It’s highly doubtful he’d confirm. Most wouldn’t. And if he denies, you are stuck with the decision of believing him or thinking he’ a liar. I mean, would you believe hoof he does anything but confess? I don’t see any good coming from a confrontation.
MrsAlwaysRight
Level 4
June 19, 2019
1
People who use religion to prevent them from doing despicable things is, quite literally, religions only good feature. That they also use it to cover those things actually makes it a wash, though.
Doubt you'll get him to say he is, or was. You'd be obliged to call the cops if he did and both of you know it.
1of5
Level 8
June 19, 2019
1
Even if he admitted to being a pedophile, cops wouldn't be able to do anything without a victim. Even then, unless he's actively harmed anyone recently, statute of limitations would be far exceeded.
1of5:
@DaveBA5150 that's all true, but it would still be "on file" in case there were a more recent victim who found the courage to say "me too".
There's the other angle that if he knows others know about him that next time a red flag pops up it won't be ignored, and just may stop himself (big if, but you can only do what you can do) before his plans are carried out.
Situation sucks. Sorry.
Ask frankly! Don't worry about his answer. The question would make him think.
PontifexMarximus
Level 8
June 30, 2019
0
Knowing who and how our parents fuck can be assumed but should not be watched....family voyeurism is the turf of incest ....privacy and boundaries are essential for mental health.....seems like the guy who sired you confessed to a teen aged son in hopes you won't repeat his crime.... Walt Disney was my 2nd Atheist hero after Atheist Einstein but I never thought of human sex while watching bears fuck in a Yellowstone nature film....more than anything I hope you leave all believers to their delusions......"deconverting" is not Atheism.....it's cult sanitizing or double brainwashing....we are critical thinkers not mental manipulators of any other person family or foe
GreenAtheist
Level 8
June 26, 2019
0
If this happened over 35 years ago it seems to me you'd have noticed some questionable behavior over the decades -- too much attention to a child he knows or among your friends when you were a kid -- something to indicate these impulses were ongoing and he struggles against acting on them.
A true pedophile can't resist for long. If he just molested that one girl decades ago and no one else, I don't think he's a true pedo. Has he ever done it again...and again is the question.
If so and the only thing that's holding him back now is religion then, by all means, reassure him Hell is real and God is watching him.
Sgt_Spanky
Level 8
June 20, 2019
0
I repeat, if the kids in question (your Dad & a girl) were about the same age, Mutual Exploration is NOT "molestation", in any sense of the word!
@AnneWimsey Agreed but since he presented it as a molestation, I made the assumption she was underage and it was unwelcome.
@Sgt_Spanky maybe he was made to feel bad the same as people used to condemn masturbation?
"A true pedophile can't resist for long" is a ridiculous generalization. This is the argument used by people who think someone who commits one offense will inevitably commit more and therefore needs to be in prison for life.
Pedophilia is a distinct sexual orientation, but that does not make it inevitable that a person will act on it, any more than a homosexual in past decades would act on that orientation despite the cultural shame attached to it. An individual's willpower is just that- individual. What's true for one might not be true for another. The OP's father may have dealt with these thoughts his whole life, and never acted on them; we can't know at third hand over the internet. In any case, there's no one rule that fits everyone.
@kodimerlyn Truth!
I would maybe try to observe how young relatives behave around him, and if there are any parents of young relatives that avoid him or are wary of leaving their kids alone with him. Does he have access to kids outside your family, like maybe at church? I understand you wanting to relieve your feelings of uneasiness, but I'm more concerned that he might be currently harming more kids.
Carin
Level 8
June 20, 2019
0
Why assume the worst without any evidence?
jerry99
Level 8
June 19, 2019
0
Not assuming exactly, were I strictly just assuming it to be true, I likely would have cut him out of my life entirely, among other things. But no it is just a fairly strong suspicion based on mostly circumstantial evidence.
Did you ever try to have a word with your Mom as an adult?
St-Sinner
Level 9
June 19, 2019
0
I have, she strongly suspects the same, even thinks its possible he might have done something with my older sister when she was young.... but my sister doesn't seem to remember anything like that, and has a better relationship with him (she's not his biggest fan or anything, but she, unlike me, still has love for him)
@DaveBA5150 I see. So you are thinking about confronting him?
Enjoy being online again!
Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.Create your free account
Share this post
Categories
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.