So, there I was sitting on my front veranda, drinking a well earned coffee, minding my own business.
When out the corner of my eye I see my Evangeloon neighbour standing precariously on a very thin board stretched between 2 tall ladders, about 8 feet above the ground, armed with a chainsaw and trying to prune a tree in his front garden.
Me being careful me, couldn't help myself, so told him that in my opinion what he was doing was both very unsafe and probably dangerous to boot.
His reply was, "I'm not worried like you would be, I have Jesus and God watching over me."
So I simply went back to seat and drank my coffee until, suddenly, there was this loud crashing sound mixed in the sound of cracking and breaking timber.
A quick glance over the fence, and there he is, sprawled out the ground, left arm dangling at a very awkward angle from the shoulder, the chainsaw still running and vibrating its way across the ground towards his nether regions and he is moaning and groaning.
I went inside my house, phoned for the Ambulance, gave them his address, said that, imo, he may have either dislocated his shoulder or broken it,, so could they please hurry as I'm about to go into his yard and remove the danger of the running chainsaw and render first aid.
I get into his front yard, the chainsaw is almost about to start 'nibbling' away at his pants crotch, he is looking to me like he may be going into shock, there is blood seeping out of his ears, so I do the what I was trained to do as nurse and awaiting the Ambulance.
Just before the load into the Ambulance he looks at me and says, " It is ALL your fault, you made Jesus and God loose their concentration, that's why I fell."
Nice to be appreciated isn't it?
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28 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Hopefully that chainsaw wasn't actually still spinning.
bragadm
Level 5
Sep 12, 2020
0
Well normally when you release the trigger a chainsaw ceases to spin the chain around the chain bar/guide.
But I noticed yesterday that Evangeloon, in his infinite God given wisdom (LOL), had tied back the trigger with a piece of twine and I think may have disconnected the chain-brake as well.
A very BIG No-No to anyone with even the smallest of knowledge in using chainsaws.
You threw God and Jesus off their game, that's quite the Atheist superpower you have. lol
Surfpirate
Level 9
Sep 12, 2020
5
Wow,you are more powerful than his gawds! Maybe he should be tithing to you?!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Sep 12, 2020
5
You sir, are more powerful than his god. I salute you.
AtheistInNC
Level 7
Sep 12, 2020
4
He’s obviously got a god fixation, but how he can think you have the power to distract god or Jesus is troublesome...perhaps it means he thinks you are a god with even greater powers than them!
Marionville
Level 10
Sep 12, 2020
3
I'm pretty sure nurses do have more power than gawd.
@MyTVC15 Of course...never thought of that!
Nurses generally deserve more praise than any god.
That poor bastard, will he never learn! Good job he’s got a neighbour like you to call the ambulance. Thank you for continuing to be decent in the face of his petulance 
girlwithsmiles
Level 8
Sep 12, 2020
3
Hey! If you can influence god in that way, how about influencing her to give food and clean drinking water to all the starving children f the world?
HumanistJohn
Level 8
Sep 12, 2020
3
Exactly, & stop child abuse while at it.
Oh how I wish I could do all those things and more besides.
The stupid - it burns. I'm not sure how any of us are still alive on this planet. No wonder the world is in such a mess.
UrsiMajor
Level 8
Sep 12, 2020
2
I think that it was George Carlin who said 'Consider how stupid the average American is and then realize that half the population is even more stupid than that'. Funny, the way scary and profound statements often are. 
You denied him his Darwin Award. How could you do such a thing? 
anglophone
Level 9
Sep 12, 2020
3
The chainsaw headed for his reproductive region... sounds like you should have waited for a few minutes. Being a nurse, I'm sure the blood wouldn't have been a problem for you, but you could have saved the world and gotten a chance to write in for a Darwin Award. The good you could have done for the world. (I know, not really in the nature of somebody who becomes a nurse.)
PadraicM
Level 7
Sep 13, 2020
1
In hindsight I guess you might be on to something there.
the chainsaw would have ensured that he could never breed more of his kind thus reducing the world of a very small percentage of the religious idiocy that he exudes.
But I once, while cutting up a log with my chainsaw, cut through the log and a 6' long Brown Snake as well. The blood and tissues, etc, that literally went everywhere were not a pretty sight to behold.
Instead of saying Thank You, to you! These religious nuts are always blaming someone else!
TimeOutForMe
Level 8
Sep 12, 2020
2
God always gets a pass
I would give him a chance to apologize, as obviously he was in shock, so maybe, (and it probably is a big maybe), he will change his thinking after some time to reflect on the matter. If he persists on that blame game, I would be keen to point out that if that is the case, then GGGGEEEZZZZUUUSSSS and Dog are not so powerful after all, if little old me can distract him. I would not seek the fool out though, if the clown ever needs something again, I would not be so keen on helping him, who knows, clown might find some reason to sue you . . . . let the clown cut his nuts off next time, ha ha ha.
Archeus_Lore
Level 7
Sep 12, 2020
1
Send this to him should he come to his senses and let him realise how close he was to losing his manhood 
TimeOutForMe
Level 8
Sep 20, 2020
1
Now that is what I call a completely idiotic act being done by an utter cretin.
Next time just get your phone out and start recording.
Jolanta
Level 9
Sep 12, 2020
1
I can't be like that or so cruel, not in my nature or training plus I only have the old land-line.
God and Jesus aren't all powerful then?
Paul_Clamberer
Level 7
Sep 12, 2020
1
Apparently we need to look out for the Aussie God @triphid
another good one by the scriptwriters for the entertainment of the gods.
callmedubious
Level 8
Sep 13, 2020
0
Oh I should be able write such scripts, then maybe I could be a renowned Script Writer for Hollywood.
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