His wishes. Deal with a little discomfort and love him to the end. It won't do any permanent damage ...

I think it should be about him and his wishes. Imagine if you wanted your body cremated and instead your kids had a full blown Southern Baptist "come to Jesus" funeral? You wouldn't know any better but I feel like that violates your memory and who you were.

I see that you are in France. Crematoria in France are really accommodating and will perform either religious, humanist or any other type of ceremony. Why not have his chosen minister deliver a eulogy and blessing and you can then say your goodbyes in your own way.

I think I would do a simple short church service if that was his wish. I’d be pissed if I knew my kids were planning on a church service for me....

Its his choice! My Mum is buried under a tree...her choice.

My fiancé was agnostic, probably leaning toward atheist. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with the Catholic church he was raised in. When he died, because we were not married, his sister and the mother of his minor children chose his service in the Catholic Church. He also said, more than once, he wanted to be cremated. They buried him. I was disgusted, hurt and angry.

My dad was an avowed and open atheist. His service was graveside and everything was going fine until the funeral director said “... I don’t think John would mind there’s one passage from the Bible... “ I don’t remember the passage, I just remember thinking “you would be fucking wrong about that.”

If your dad said he wanted a church service, I believe the right thing to do is to honor his wishes.

If it was me, I would do everything I could to fulfill his wishes. It has nothing to do with you, your beliefs, or non-beliefs, or your ego. Unless of course they don't have a good relationship, or you just don't have the money for it. If he has a life insurance policy that covers it, then what's the problem? It's only one day to pay tribute to someone he knew most of his life. Nobody has to give a speech or give prayers or anything like that.

Myself? When I die I told relatives they can bury me in a cardboard box for all I care lol. I told them to save their money. They will need it more than I do. I prefer to be cremated though. That costs around $3,500 as opposed to about $10,000.

Perhaps you could engage a C of E minister to say a few words at the crematorium, as a compromise.

As others have already said, try to strike a balance. (Yes, I am a cousin of Captain Obvious [character in a series of U.S.-based travel commercials], so I tend to belabor what has already been said Ask a religious personage to say a few words, but schedule the ceremony wherever you wish. Fill in whatever other time you have with memories of the deceased. You will know you gave him what he wanted without taking up time in a church (that he had no membership in, anyway).

Who's paying for it ?
Him? Do what he wants.
You ? Do what you want.
Free ? Flip a coin.

While it's true he won't, most likely, know... you will. So your decision should be based on what you will be most comfortable living with for the rest of your life. If it will give you peace to remember that you respected his last wish, no matter whether it made sense to you, then do as he wished. If you are confident you will have no nagging regrets, do what suits you.

Do it the way you want since you will probably be paying for it. Don't waste money on a funeral.

If it was me, certainly not. My mother is super religious and we have already told her there will be no funeral as my brother who is her executor and I are both atheists. I told her it is revenge for circumcision.

I understand where you're coming from, but it usually is respectful to honor someone's final wishes regardless if you personally agree with them or not. I would do that for someone, no matter how much I may have disagreed with them in life.

If my ashes weren't scattered over mountain ranges, I would come back and haunt someone... I wouldn't really care for obvious reasons, but I'm sure it gets boring being dead.

You should respect his wishes.

Yes that's tricky alright. On the one hand I'm sure it is of comfort to the dying to know that their final wishes are in safe hands and lying to him is unlikely to be as convincing as making it the truth. We leak information in so may way's that we're only beginning to understand. On the other hand my experience is that a service at the Crematorium is more usual. Also a religious service even at the crematorium sounds like it would serve the dead more that the grieving. Perhaps find the appropriate church and vicar and ask the vicar's advice. You mention that your father in law is only a "vague" C of E. If he's not regular congregation then a church service might not even be an option.

A funeral is for the living to say goodbye. Personally I'd think it was disrespectful to not follow his wishes just because he won't know. If I attended and was aware of that, I'd think it a poor way to honor his memory.

Ugg. I believe in honoring the dead's wishes, even if I find no value in them. But who is the minister going to "comfort?" Have him pray over the casket prior to the cremation?

Funerals are for the living. Do what you think feels right.

Do what you want to do. He won't know.

My father dies about three years ago. He made his wishes well known while he was alive. My dad was, I feel, Agnostic, though he never declared himself as such. My mom on the other hand is deeply religious. Both have prepaid for their cremation, so he was cremated. My parents had moved around a lot in their life, so he had asked that we have three memorial services for him. The first one in Florida where they were currently living. We had that in the church mom attends and he occasionally went to. The pastor gave a service and I gave a secular remembrance. Next, we had a service in Lancaster, PA where I live and mom was born and still had family as well as friends. That was held in a rented hall. Next, we had a service in Harveyville, PA, where he was born and still had family members. This one was held at a VFW, with military honors and a 21 gun salute, mostly organized by my cousins. After the ceremony, our immediate family went out to the farm he was born and grew up on and according to his wishes, scattered his ashes in the field near the house.
Was all this a hassle? Yes, of course. Was it worth it to feel we had honored his memory as he had wanted? Absolutely! I just hope my simple wishes at my death (prepaid and prearranged) are followed as well. If you have no church connections, do your best to find someone willing to help you provide what he requested, within reason. In the long run, it should make you feel respect for his memory and last request.

You will be there for a lost loved one and not for endorsing what is said. If it was me, I would go and feel okay with it. I hope that it goes okay for you and your family.

Thanks for all the replies, folks. Thing is, This not my family and they do not talk to each other a lot in a close way. When his mother died three years ago, there was a lot of foot shuffling and we ended up having a service in the crematorium with a hymn or two because no one was clear what she wanted. My dad on the other hand, wants a wake, full church, flowers and has given instruction as to where the burial plot is.
Talking to my husband this week, we have decided to give him prayers from a local English priest, in the crematorium and he also mentioned a choir group that Pappy really likes. Pappy himself is vague when we gently brought it up this week after he came over to have dinner with us. Guess we have to also think of the grandchildren, as many of you have pointed out and show respect for his memory.

I won't tell if you don't. Follow your heart.