Why do men get so mad when they get rejected?
This is probably already a question circulating but I thought I'd ask myself.
I see this all too often, when a guy PMs a girl with some sort of compliment or come on, and girls can be as sweet as ever with their let down that they are not interested and the guy will come back with profanity and put downs, calling her ugly or fat. I don't get it. Please explain.
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Super-Kid
Level 3
Jan 2, 2019
1
Agreed. Does it happen a lot to you?
I wouldn't say a lot, but I've definitely been there.
I'm sure some women do get really nasty but I would say it's not uncommon for me to get death threats, rape threats or just called nasty names. "It goes both ways" is accurate technically but it paints a picture of equality which I'm pretty sure isn't the case.
@Sticks48 That's probably exactly what the men doing all that BS think. But I'm a real person with real feelings and having a computer in between doesn't change that. I had a guy use my photo to find my facebook to find my place of work and show up there. I was a kindergarten teacher at the time so it really freaked me out. I could probably find you with not all that much effort. (I never would because that's messed up- just to be clear.) People have been fired for what they say online. Your online persona is an extension of yourself, especially when you attach things like your picture to it. Just be careful what you say. (Again, not a threat. Just friendly advice.)
@klang72 You don't have to be on line. if you are on line you don't have to put out any more info than you want to. You see it here all the time. Say what you will, this is not real life. Hence the use of "IRL" continuously online. If this is a persons "real world", they have some very deep issues. This is meant to be a tool not a lifestyle.
@klang72 I'm not saying it is fine. I am saying it is to be expected because of anonymity. People get awfully brazen when you are not face to face. I see people on here all the time saying shit they would never say if they were face to face with people. Face to face these men probably would not even approach you to ask you out. I am not saying women don't have to be careful, but that is a different subject.
@Sticks48 What are you actually trying to say? You're avoiding answering my questions. If women get harassed online it's their own fault for being there? Is it ok to threaten people because it's "not real"? If you had a daughter or a wife and she was online and some stranger was sending her messages saying he was going to find her and kill her would that be cool with you? Should women have to give up using the internet because of the behaviors of men? Because that's what it sounds like you're saying and I'd like some clarification.
@klang72 No, you just want to argue. You can walk down a dark alley at night if you so desire and live with the consequences. There can be consequences to putting too much personal information online. That is up to each individual to decide. You aren't going to change it, I'm not going to change it.It is what it is. You can get involved online as much or as little as you like. As with most things in life, there are tradeoffs. You have to decide which tradeoffs are worth it.
@Sticks48 Just because I'm not letting what you're saying go, doesn't mean I just want to argue. I'm going to call you out just like I'm going to call out any guy perpetuating rape culture and victim blaming. Your "dark alley" comment makes your stance pretty clear. You've really made an example of yourself.
@klang72 good idea. People who have commented here should run a test such as that. From both sides. I have to say, vulgarites often come to my profile in a first message from men. Many times a first contact is a horrible personal attack based on my photo or a coment about why i am single. I always block them with no reply. But why would some one go out of their way to attack someone whom they didnt even know. Baffles me.
Cue the "not all men" and "I don't think most men do that"comments. You hear that sound? It's the sound of a thousand women rolling their eyes at being told,yet again,that a very common behavior is just the work of a few bad apples. Yes. MANY men do this. Yes most women have experienced it. Quit trying to tell us it's not a thing just because,you personally, may not have seen it.
OpposingOpposum
Level 9
Mar 19, 2018
21
It's so true!
nice one
Most of by friends are female and I hear about it happening all the time. Plus worse things.
Men are told that they are the heroes, women are the prizes, and that they deserve to be with whomever they want. Not directly, of course. In the movies, the man does some man things and the woman falls in love. Or the man doesn't take no for an answer and the woman falls in love. Or the woman was secretly in love the whole time.
Feed enough of these stories to men who are taught not to have emotions (and therefore can't deal with their emotions), and you have a recipe for misunderstood emotions to bubble up. When they do, many men only know how to express anger, rather than disappointment, so that is what happens.
Basically, we have created a lot of entitled men who can only express negative emotions as rage.
Drewesque
Level 6
Mar 19, 2018
24
That is one of the best explanations of toxic masculinity I have come across. Thank you.
Yes. Well said. Thank you.
I think you nailed it... again nicely stated.
Well said, growing up in the 50's & 60's I pretty much observed the same.
I also replied to this post... but you said it so much better than I.
For the men saying “not all men,” or “women too.” OF COURSE not all men. OF COURSE women sometimes get nasty about rejection too. The thing is that it is SCARY as a woman. it represents a danger to our physical safety when a man gets angry in a situation that, by the way, we probably didn’t invite. not because ALL men will escalate to physical violence but because it only takes one.
A2Jennifer
Level 8
Mar 19, 2018
12
@Troy ah and here we see the classic"blame the victim " approach. Thanks for playing, spot the misogynist!
@Troy your point is flawed and your logic pathetically transparent. Don't blame me or feminism for your weak arguments. Think better.
@Troy seriously, though, your answer to men being abusive when turned down is for women to understand men better. Women actually understand men relatively well (relative to men understanding women) because we HAVE to understand men because, again, our safety and survival depends on it.
I see a lot of men here implying this is a level playing field. It's not. There is no female equivalent of the Incel movement. When a man expresses hostility toward us for rejecting us, we have reason to feel threatened and to fear that he may take that hostility further. In many cases, that open hostility the man expresses can be just the warm-up, and we have no way of telling if that's the case. Men may joke about it, but they seldom have to wonder if the woman they just brushed off will be waiting for them in the parking lot to force themselves on him, injure him, or murder him. These are real concerns for women, and there are stats to prove it. Of course "not all men" are monsters. But the monsters are indistinguishable from the rest of you. Men fear getting screamed at or having their masculinity questioned, if they insult a woman. Women fear being stalked, maimed, and murdered for insulting a man.
Deb57
Level 8
Jan 3, 2019
9
You couldn't have said this better.
So much this! A valid point.
Duke:
I fully agree with this assessment. I didn't consider this post to be about the incels though. Just men being jerks when rejected. Incels are a completely different beast than the general population. Women have much more to be concerned with in general where rejection happens. I didn't address that with my comment simply because I did not read that as part of the original question in the post. I don't feel that it's a level playing field at all. I do believe that women are as easily pissed off though when they do make advances and men reject them. The aftermath can be much worse where men are rejected. There is no doubt there. In my experience, it's much more rare for women to actually be the one rejected. The number of times I rejected women is far fewer than the number of times I've been rejected. I have never been insulting with my response. I've always been pretty gracious and expressed flattery. Still, it didn't always end nicely. Some just don't know how to handle rejection regardless of gender.
One of the sweet things about being male is that you don't automatically have to take your personal safety into consideration when dealing with the opposite sex. This is something most women do so constantly that it often becomes unconscious habit. Something as simple as walking outdoors alone can be a huge risk for us, and the risk escalates if we have pissed off a man for any reason, intentionally or unintentionally, or even without realizing we have done so. As you say, although I have experienced sexual/romantic rejection and am familiar with how painful it can be, it hasn't happened very frequently. But most women are accustomed to being rejected often in arenas other than romantic, we are accustomed to being interrupted when we speak, we are accustomed to having it assumed that we don't understand things and need to have them explained to us by a man, we are accustomed to waiting our turn even when our turn keeps getting pushed back by the priorities of someone who considers his own far more important, we are accustomed to being assessed for merit purely on the basis of how we look, and hell, we are even accustomed to having to quickly step out of the way of the path of an oncoming man in order to keep from getting body slammed on the sidewalk.
I was thirteen years old the first time a guy tried to rape me in a parking lot after saying I wasn't interested. That same week the lady downstairs was raped and her stomach was cut up. I'd be shocked if most men lived with this type of fear
It's not just men. I've seen women go over the top too. I think it has a lot to do with not owning your own emotions and blaming other people for the way you feel. (Men ARE notorious for this, sorry guys). The individual feels that the object of their affection PUT that feeling in them ,so the object is responsible for the attraction and subsequent bad feelings that come with rejection. Healthy people realize that their attraction comes from within themselves and is solely their responsibility. Someone who is aware of this doesn't lash out at the other because they know there is no "fault" in the attraction.
OpposingOpposum
Level 9
Mar 19, 2018
6
@Beach_slim what is dishonest about not being attracted to someone?!!
@Beach_slim what a load of horseshit.
@Stacey48 which basically boiled down to "my feelings were hurt so I'm totally justified in being a horrible ass because I'm a guy and that's just what we do".
Rejection can be painful and some people lash out.
sassygirl3869
Level 9
Mar 19, 2018
7
Spot on. It's true and unfortunate that guys especially have a hard time acknowledging pain.
If a man reacts like that, it's time to instantly bock/delete/hang up/leave. Someone like that is dangerous, and the woman who rejected him dodged a likely jealous control freak future abuser.
Most cis, hetero men hide their disappoint, however, realizing an ugly response will not only get him cut off from the woman, but she will spread his infamy on social media.
Many men heavy in female traits, however, can be passive aggressive and revengeful, but again, these are men to avoid.
birdingnut
Level 8
Mar 19, 2018
6
I don’t like that rejected feeling, so I just don’t really talk to people. I’m assuming others who do that are trying to protect their ego. They build the female up in their minds and then the rejection shatters their perception of themselves, so in order to preserve the ego, they react as you stated. Maybe, anyway. But what do I know? I don’t really talk to people.
NothinnXpreVails
Level 8
Mar 19, 2018
6
I try not to. Lol
Well for someone who doesn't talk to people...you're sure watching them, aren't you? And your observations are on point.
@Freespirit64 yeah, humans are fascinating animals
@NothinnXpreVails we are in our native habitats, best time to learn our behaviors. From a safe distance.
They weren't raised with any modicum of respect. IMO naturally.
DerekFuiten
Level 4
Mar 19, 2018
6
I assume that the men that engage in such a behavior just accept the rejection as an insult on themselves and act accordingly. Behavior that may look stupid to the woman and accidental onlookers yet looks completely justified in the eyes of tha man in question.
Some guys have to understand that rejection is not mandatorily an insult.
Yet there are also these women... who really know how to make a rejection hurt... a lot. And I suspect some even feel some twisted pleasure exercising this skill of theirs...
blago84
Level 5
Mar 19, 2018
4
I doubt if most men do that. I don't, wouldn't, and don't know of other men who would.
I'd guess these guys are frustrated and lashing out at the most convenient target.
Does this regularly happen to you? Women in general?
shockwaverider
Level 8
Mar 19, 2018
5
Oh yes. Men who were dying to get you into bed or "treat you like the princess you are" will suddenly call you fat,ugly, slutty,bitchy. "You're not that hot anyway, I just wanted to get laid" etc. Women sometimes get physically attacked,even murdered for rejecting men.
It's gross and it's really common.
I'm guessing it's very related to age.
@RavenCT IDK there's pretty strong historical evidence that this behavior has been going on for hundreds of years.
@Blindbird I think the older men get the less testosterone - the less acting out behaviors.
Some are stuck that way for life though.
I worked at a Battered Women's shelter over 30 years ago. Nothing seems to change.
@RavenCT it really doesn't. All we can do is raise our kids better. Thank you for the work you've done. 
You may be correct about men aging out if those behaviors. Spousal abuse was rife in my family but as my uncle's aged,you'd swear butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.
@Blindbird Thank you!
I hope I'm at least a little right. Means I have less of this to deal with. Thought "Boy toy" comes to mind? lol
@RavenCT well in the reading I've done, the general idea seems to be that most of the violence centers around mating rights and ensuring paternity probably means that you and I are not likely to trigger those behaviors even in younger men. 
@Blindbird Too true! 
The key element in situations like this is time. As in, the finite amount of it we have on this earth.
If a guy cuts out on you and moves on after you've placed him in the friend zone, it's because every single second he spends with you beyond that point is a waste of his formidable years of peak sexual opportunity.
You have to understand that he already has guy friends to hang out with, shoot the shit, grab a couple of beers and catch a ball game. He's with you because he's romantically interested, and if you're only interested in just being friends, then you have nothing to offer regarding his needs that he can't easily have fulfilled somewhere else.
There's nothing sadder than watching some guy wander through the desert of the friend zone for weeks, months or even years hoping that some woman he's pining over will one day offer him an oasis which doesn't exist.
If you're really interested in keeping a guy you're friend zoneing as a friend, then you have a couple of options:
- Set him up on dates. Make it your mission to find him a mate.
OR
- If he's so unfortunately unattractive that the likelyhood of finding a mate is slim, then take him to the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada as a christmas or birthday present and get the poor guy laid for pete sake.
Friend zoneing a guy just so you can have somebody to bitch to about the guy that you are actually fucking is no act of friendship. It's an act of cruelty. And you're no friend if you do it.
webbew1
Level 7
Mar 20, 2018
4
Maybe it's just me but I like to get to know someone and become friends with them first before I decide to take the plunge and actually date them. I guess I'm not in a hurry. You make some very valid points though.
I would guess that most people probably know rather quickly if there is at least some potential for a sexual relationship to develop when they meet someone for the first time. Either the spark is there or it isn't.
Not that everybody jumps in to the water right away. Social and religious constraints can definitely play a role as to when a relationship becomes physically intimate, but it's generally pretty obvious early on which path the future holds.
Is this a person whom I might be interested in becoming sexually involved with, or is this just someone I wouldn't mind hanging out with? That's decided within the first two minutes.
@webbew1 See this is why too often guys get hooked up with the wrong woman. They don't bother to get to know her beyond the surface.
Take a page out of a woman's book, hey our clocks are ticking too and the shelf life historically isn't what a man's is, we don't want to waste time either which is why we want to know you better before taking the plunge out of "friend zone".
How are you under pressure?
When something throws a wrench in plans?
Something as simple as reaction to say, spilling something- is that going to ruin your evening?! If it would , does that mean after the dust settles into relationship-ville that sort of thing is going to ruin your week?
And on & on. It's not enough to simply have a a surface attraction and hope everything falls into place. If this is the typical M.O. of men no wonder so many complain that after marriage the sex stops, because women often lose their zeal for sex when angry, or tired from shouldering mundane things they'd like help with...
When a guy complains about a sexless relationship I always wonder what he did to piss the woman off so badly that she quit being attracted to him.
[I] had a rather pitiful 1st time "date" the other day with someone I consider a years long "friend" . It was so unfortunate, the vibe, that I doubt I'll ever entertain going out with him again....EVEN as a friend.
I think they are insecure and often times have an underlying hatred for women. Definitely not all men by any means, but ones who go from “hey baby” to “FUCKING WHORE” like 0-60. I think mean like that have mommy issues...
Dolphin
Level 4
Mar 19, 2018
3
Oh yeah. This was really bad in my teens and twenties. I lived in a more urban area of my hometown and guys rolling up on you on your way to school, hitting on you then becoming verbally abusive or even following you was super common. Ugh.
I definitely agree it's not just men, I suppose that has just been the majority I've seen. It's happened to me and it's probably happened to every other woman. Men too. It's frustrating. Thank you for the comments!!
valerina
Level 7
Mar 19, 2018
3
"why can't we all just get along" heehe
I’m sure it happens. But, I’ve not seen it.
In simplest terms, men (some) are insecure and take rejection as an attack on them. So, they react (immaturely) by attacking in return.
Not one of our finest traits.
Jay1313132018
Level 7
Jan 3, 2019
4
May be it has to do with mommy tell you guys -always- that you are the best after spread butter?
Because most men are fucking psychotic in a masculine/I deserve all my eye sees way. It's baffling. But being the polar opposite of that, I've learned that most of the women I have met want some form of that "kind" of man. Not to say my sample of interactions is grounds for real debate, but in my particular circumstances and experiences, when I'm uninterested or the other party is not, I'll be questioned as to why it doesn't seem to matter to me. It's a weird Dynamic. I love people for people, and if someone does not "like" me back I'm simply okay with that because I'm okay with myself..which many men are not.
musicallyme88
Level 3
Jan 2, 2019
3
I had a guy threaten to kill my mother after I requested a video chat. I had a feeling that I was being catfished, men can waste our time with lies and bs (not always, but it's often). We need to be smart and weed out the jerks. How many women sleep with a man and then get ghosted. So we take time to ask more questions and wait to see what kind of person they are. I tell guys straight up, I don't want to date if you have younger kids. Not each time, but normally, the first response to that is I need to work on myself, I'm ugly, or fat anyways. Well, why are you asking me out? That's what you get for saying no to some men ("some" men, not all guys act this way). Oh, if you don't have sex, talk dirty, or send sex picts they will ghost you, anyways. So...you are not alone. Reasons why, women might be expected to say yes to everything and everyone. If we can't say yes, we are a bitch. Oh well, life goes on! Keep your head up girl 
kraseyk
Level 6
Jan 2, 2019
2
Thank you so much. It's so true and yes not all men but a lot of times these things occur. It sucks and can turn a woman bitter real quick. So again, thank you and you keep yours up as well. ?
That is so freaking common. I had a guy threaten to rape me within an inch of my life when I didn't respond to his message online. I feel like real world behavior has been a lot better but online I almost expect to be abused.
One part sour grapes, one part the fragility of the male ego, one part lashing out because men are shown in our society that they're expected to be dumb and childish and aggressive so being dumb and childish and aggressive is acceptable. Plus traditional social rules governing gender relationships multiplied by the male perception of self worth tied to masculinity by way of ability to attract a targeted mate at will AND the overarching (toxic masculinity warning) insistence that a 'man' should be able to get what he wants, all he has to do is keep trying, don't take no for an answer, and Make. It. Happen.
geist171
Level 6
July 16, 2018
3
That's a great point. It seems like many romance movies or romantic comedies hinge on a guy not taking "no" for an answer.
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