Bill to Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent Passes Senate Unanimously

The United States Senate has unanimously voted to end the biannual practice of “spring forward” and “fall back” under a bill that would make daylight saving time permanent, a move that reflects the increasingly popular view that the twice-yearly disruption hurts sleep and poses health and safety risks. Under the measure, the shift to permanent daylight saving time would take effect next year.

Angry daylight saving time advocates complained that Congress sure took their damn “time” passing this. Of course, not everyone was happy about the passage of the bill. Arizona, which does not recognize daylight saving time and remains on Mountain Standard Time year-round, has already indicated they will reject the vote and demand a recount. In addition, Arizona Republicans announced their intent to convene the state legislature, in a united effort to censure “Father Time.” Why, this bill has become so controversial, it can only properly be referred to it as “Hourgate.”

Meanwhile, libertarians like Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) say “Americans should have the freedom to set their clocks to whatever time they want it to be.” And, I get his point, everyone should be free to have their own, “personal time zone.” Others argue that this bill will mean children on the east coast will have to wait for their school bus in the dark. Of course, for students in Florida, it won’t really matter all that much, because Gov. DeSantis is doing his best to keep students “in the dark at all times” anyway. Still, some worry this could negatively impact the melatonin in our brains that regulate sleep, but that’s just nonsense. Everyone knows sleep is best regulated by a “well-timed martini.”

Then, there are always fans of the 70s rock group Chicago, who are going to ask “Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care - about time? If so I can't imagine why.” Now, what I find odd is, how did this bill ever pass unanimously in the senate? Hell, Sen. Joe Manchin vetoes everything. I guess as long as it doesn’t cut into his fossil fuel donor’s finances, he’s fine with it. And they say our Congress can’t get anything done. Why, this bill will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of our global adversaries.

As for me, I’m all in for making one of them permanent, and I don’t really care which one. All I know is, I almost threw my back out this year trying to “spring forward.” Besides, I really hate having to reset the time on my iPhone every six months! As for the kiddies walking to school in the dark, well that’s nonsense. We all know soccer moms banned kids from walking to school years ago. Hell, kids are way too coddled anyway. Why, when I was a kid, I had to walk 30 miles each way to school, through 9 feet of snow and pounding hail storms, uphill both ways, and all while being chased by wild dogs. Damn it, don’t tell me about hardships!

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