Elon Musk Acquires Twitter for $44 Billion

Much to the delight of MAGA conservatives and QAnon advocates everywhere, Twitter announced that Elon Musk has agreed to acquire the company for $44 billion, giving the world’s richest person command of a highly influential social media site that serves as a platform for political leaders, a sounding board for experts across industries, and an information hub for millions of everyday users. Musk claims this is what is needed in order to “save free speech and democracy.”

Absolutely! Why, I can’t think of a better way to preserve free speech and democracy, than having an obscenely rich, narcissistic, American oligarch, stand watch over an endless deluge of unchecked misinformation, conspiracy theories, propaganda, and outright lies - all being fed to the masses through one of the world’s most prominent social media platforms. Ladies and gentlemen behold - the next Donald Trump.

Interestingly, Musk seems convinced it doesn’t really matter if someone inside a crowded theater decides to yell “fire!” Why, it’s “free speech” after all. But I get Elon’s point here. No doubt allowing all of Trump’s perpetually aggrieved MAGA half-wits, countless QAnon conspiracy theorists, white supremacists, neo-fascists, and other assorted right-wing crackpots back on Twitter - really ought to class the joint up a bit.

You see, I think I’ve figured out the way it all works. The guy with the most cash - gets the most “free speech.” I don’t know, and you can call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer the good old days, when all these pampered, super-rich guys bought themselves expensive cars, yachts, and insanely-sized mansions to express their manhood.

Meanwhile, in related news and not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos has just announced he’s decided to purchase New York. As for all the rest of us? Well, perhaps the best we can hope for at this point is to try and find refuge inside one of those tunnels that Musk’s “The Boring Company” is digging. Damn shame that digger of his - can’t dig us all out of debt while they’re at it.

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