Christian MAGA Pastor Claims Democrats Secretly Boiling and Eating School Children

After declaring “I don’t want no pervert, and I don’t want no pedophile in my school,” radical MAGA Nebraska Christian Nationalist pastor and self-proclaimed prophet Hank Kunneman, drew a rousing round of applause from parishioners during his Sunday sermon after warning he will not tolerate leftist Democrat Party cannibalistic gay teachers wearing women’s wigs - reading to school children. Pastor Kunneman then posed the question, “how many more kids are gonna have to be boiled and eaten” before we take action?

Good grief! You mean to tell me those damnable leftists are back to their old habit of boiling and eating schoolchildren again? Well, all I can say is, this will certainly make you think twice before ordering anything off of one of those "Kids Menus,” next time you head over to your favorite restaurant. That said, wonder if they come with a side of fries? Anyway, word on the street has it that “school children’s fat” also makes a wonderful soap, that’s rumored to keep the skin of Hollywood’s elites looking young forever!

In response, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) issued a strong statement of denial, claiming “These allegations are completely ridiculous - because everyone knows leftist liberals prefer their school children air-fried, rather than boiled. They’re just oh-so-much-more crunchier that way.” Now, not to take sides, but the DNC really does have a point here. I mean, who boils children? That takes the flavor right out of ‘em.

Of course, sermons like Pastor Kunneman’s are just part of MAGA’s new “Christian American Exceptionalism.” That’s right - exceptionally ignorant, exceptionally bigoted, and exceptionally arrogant about it all. But other than that, you could just “feel the love” in the room. I mean, all this conscientious pastor tried to do, was alert his congregation before any “child-boiling liberal” had the chance to say “Hop right in kids; the water is fine!” Who could fault him for that?

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