An observation…

I grew up in a family where feelings were always suspect. If you were sad or angry you were often taken to task for it. This never effected my sisters as much as it did me, they seemed to be able to shake things off a lot easier. But because I also had a quieter nature and was highly sensitive, things would affect me more deeply and it took me longer to get through something difficult. I learned to push my feelings down, because I saw how much it seemed to trouble people, and I couldn’t deal anymore with their criticism or impatience with me. The message was always (as I came to understand later), “you’re not good enough as you are.” As a result, I pretty much withdrew from life to avoid any hurt. Some further experiences with trauma also reinforced this, the belief that what I felt didn’t matter.

I’ve done a lot to turn this around, and one thing I’m noticing now is I’m way more aware of the way people talk to me. If anything comes up having to do with feelings – and it doesn’t have to be anything personal – if someone starts talking about ways to correct or fix them, warning signs immediately come up for me. I’ve noticed this even on various agnostic.com posts, whether it’s my post or someone else’s, how different people respond to a topic. I know most of the people on here are good people with the best intentions, but I have a hard time when people are clinical or analytical on a sensitive topic, and I almost feel my insides tightening up. The ones who give a more compassionate, reflective response, it’s almost like a feeling of relief.

I’m not asking for anyone to change, I know a big part of it is my reaction. What I usually find myself doing is going back and re-reading things, because sometimes there’s something there I missed in my initial reaction – if so, I’ll take that in. If not, then I’m reassured of my instincts.

Something I’m trying to do in the real world as well.