My wife is from a very conservative religious background, and she isn't able to admit to me (if not to herself) that we both have sexual desires that go beyond the bounds of our marriage. That doesn't mean either of us would act on those desires, but she gets very jealous and insecure if she thinks I am looking at other women. Worse, I catch her looking at men's bodies with increasing regularity. I feel like she should either quit being such a raging hypocrite and stop checking other men's bodies out (when she thinks I'm not looking), or else just be honest about it with each other and hope that it brings us closer.
Has anyone else had to deal with similar issues regarding sexual hangups and insecurities, religious beliefs and so on? How did you approach the subject?
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11 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Soo are you just upset because of the hypocrisy and her being jealous and ruining her good time? Or, on your end, are you a bit jealous as well when she checks out guys in front of you?
demifeministgal
Level 8
Apr 24, 2020
1
I'm upset because she was very controlling and possessive and made me feel like I was doing wrong by looking at other women, when she was doing the same thing the whole time but not being honest about it. Of course I'm also jealous when she looks, but if she had been honest with me about it instead of lying and telling me she doesn't when she most definitely DOES, I would have been able to be honest back. I could have processed the emotions honestly from the beginning. Instead, I just find out that she had a double standard for her behavior and mine, and was lying to me for our entire relationship. It's like I'm not married to the person I thought I was married to.
I mean I think that's a bit of a hyperbolic conclusion to reach. I think in essence she is still the same core human being. But she may not be cognizant of her hypocrisy or her insecurities herself. OR she is cognizant of both but is too ashamed or proud to share those traits with you. But I agree you two could have shared and processed the mutually shared insecurities with one another and maybe even helped each other overcome it.
Yes, I've been there. I finally learned that my ex- was programmed and brainwashed by her religion, and there was no way that I could change that. She needed to be deprogrammed. And she wasn't about to let me have any influence on her beliefs. Now, she's long gone and has found happiness (?) with a very devout man.
However, I have known other women who licked that problem (no pun intended) by getting involved with Radical Honesty training. Which helps people get liberated from themselves.
mischl
Level 8
Apr 23, 2020
1
Talk about it if you can do it with no accusations or judgment. She might be accusing you, but if you are not judgmental and not in a state of irritation, she might open up.
thislife
Level 7
Apr 23, 2020
3
Jimmy Carter confessed lust in Playboy interview 1976.....letting go of taboos does not make an Atheist anymore than letting go of jealousy.
...this half couple here are midstream of judgement resetment and misdefiming our eyes and loins....he does not mention if that they have children to teach about love puberty desires mating marriages or casual intimacy.....our Atheism is a lifestyle and return to our Feminist Atheist birthright....it all begins with parental love language anatomy sans bibles sans alleged gawds and the freedow to give out love by choice or promise
I wonder if you are projecting your desires onto your wife. How can you claim to know what she is desiring? Maybe she can't admit because there is nothing to admit to. Looking is nothing. I look at asses all day, doesn't mean I want to have anything to do with the people to whom they are attached.
If you find that her noticing other men's bodies is upsetting to you, a frank discussion might help her understand. I wouldn't like any mate of mine gawking at someone else when we are out and about, but as you say, she is trying to be discreet so she is not trying to upset you.
Not sure how religion ties into your situation.
itsmedammit
Level 8
Apr 23, 2020
3
His profile reads he is a parent and neighbor to American Atheists National HQ and Charles Stevens Memorial Library .....there has been some extra marital fornicating going on in New Jersey American Atheists neighborhoods in the past couple of years.....male entitlement feelings are similarly deep seated as female ppsessiveness .....
@itsmedammit I am grateful to the many open sharings of thoughts here in agnosticland.....maybe it is easier to type here where no perfume wafts into noses (or virus) and no t or a wiggles 5 feet away from a marriage table......this poor guy is lucky to be married for all us aging singles .....we can only advise with 20/20 hindsight..... he is just now studying sociology....who knows if she is busy with housework parenting career exiting theocracy and dealing with TrumpOLINI national lockdown and essential jobs.....this guy needs to count his lucky stars and help this wise wonderful woman
I agree with you. Women are rarely visual (lustily looking at men). We appreciate good looks without thoughts of sex. The idea of projecting is a solid possibility.
I love being with an open minded woman where you can talk about these situations openly with no fear of reprisal and even point out to each other some one of eye catching interest,,makes for a much more solid relationship ,getting past the jealousy stge
RoyMillar
Level 9
Apr 23, 2020
3
It's natural for homo sapiens to want variety. Never surprising when our gaze wanders.
seattlepanda
Level 7
Apr 23, 2020
1
Looking is Not doing! For either of you. Knock it off!
AnneWimsey
Level 9
Apr 23, 2020
6
Brevity is the WISE soul of wit
How's your sex life? If it's good, something is working. If she's having imaginary sex with these guys when she's with you and it makes for greater sex, what's the problem? Is she a hypocrite? Probably. At times we all are.Unless it gets to be too much of an issue, let it go. But talking about sex is one of the hardest things to do-it touches on so much self-worth . But it's worth the effort and if you can get her to open up (and you may have to sneak up on the topic) it's worth it.
RonWilliam53
Level 7
Apr 23, 2020
4
Did you try getting drunk and talking?
St-Sinner
Level 9
Apr 23, 2020
2
We don't drink unfortunately. I've thought about that but she won't for religious reasons.
People look at people.. There's nothing wrong with it... As long as it stays at just the looking stage...
Cutiebeauty
Level 9
Apr 23, 2020
3
Or you both agree on something more tactile.
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