WonderNYC, I agree that intimacy seems to be tied to commitment. The idea of growing old with someone seems to have come and gone for me, as I find myself suddenly 61 and realizing that I will probably remain alone and possibly unable to commit. Never married, backed out six weeks before I almost took the plug in my early thirties, with a six year old in tow. I was a single mother before it was cool. Raised my girl by myself. The only commitment I have ever kept. I do want one last chance at getting it right. Maybe there is someone out there who will love me the way that i have always wanted to be loved. Maybe I just need to put myself out there. Thanks for your post. It got

WonderNYC, I ponder this idea of commitment as well. The idea of growing old with someone seems to have come and gone for me as I s

I have also asked myself regarding monogamy and growing old together...... Its very complex and as you said, many layers. But i have to say in Ecuador we LEARNED SINCE WE WERE TODDLERS that monogamy is how it should be. Its not easy to edit out belief system and even though i do believe that as you said we do have the right to change and grow apart, sometimes i see myself speaking with my old patterns and expecting the everlasting love.

For me intimacy has to do with the capacity of allowing ourselves being vulnerable and open towards another human being. It can be sexual or just private conversations. I speak 4 languages... and i have learned that there are words that have same meaning in different languages but used in absolutely different contexts.

I like your ideas very much. I have been married and divorced 3 times. Each relationship had it's ups and downs. All ended because of my partner's abusive behavior toward me or my son. Leaving was hard. I did not do it lightly. But self-preservation wins in the end. The thing I missed most about each of them was the shared history. The things you just know about each other. The good memories. The times you worked together to accomplish something. Shared history is such a comfort. Not having to tell your story to someone else to make them understand.

Well also other cultures either divorce is illegal, divorce is shamed or highly discouraged for religious reasons, or women have very little employment prospects or are shunned from their communities as divorcees so staying together becomes about survival for them.

Welcome to the group. For me intimacy has to come with emotional connection. I need to get to know a person over several months first. Commitment is important for more practical reasons, one being sexually transmitted diseases and the other being jealousy. True commitment to a long term partnership can only come later after more months of getting to know each other better and spending extended time together to know if you can negotiate problems and get along over long periods. Communication and the ability to compromise is really important and not many people seem to be able to manage it.

I would like my next relationship to last for at least 10 years. Forever may be too much to hope for, and anyways we don't live forever, do we? I think that we have a throw away culture and people are to quick to abandon a relationship when things go wrong without trying to work things out with their partner.

It would be wonderful to live out some of the rest of my life in a secure loving relationship.

An old Finnish woman told me something when I was a teenager: A loose grip lasts the longest.

Yes having someone to grow old with, that would be lovely. I suspect that relationships in other cultures are looked at differently. Marriage is not for undying love/lust but more of a building a life together. With wider family included. And honestly, your partner can not fill every need. That is a mistake people make.

As you age temporary relationships are less attractive, never was attracted to that anyway, a permanent partner is preferable someone to grow old with. It takes a lot of effort to build a relationship but is well worth it if for nothing else the intimacy is awesome and comforting

For me commitment can only come with trust in the other person. Not necessarily trust that they won’t be unfaithful, but trust that they won’t lie and trust that they won’t leave and trust that they are going to work towards the relationship equally with me. Lust comes and goes (definitely nice when it is there). Love, respect and a history together are what binds the relationship. I look forward to finding my life partner...I have the capacity for the love...but there isn’t anyone in my life currently that fits the mold.

Intimacy to me means that I can trust someone with all my darkest deepest secrets and fears. There has to be a foundation of trust, affection, mutual respect, and dedication. I'd like my next relationship to last forever.

In most patriarchal societies marriage lasts because the penalties to the women for leaving the relationship are harsh. Most women will not leave their children behind.

People change all the time. My ex became far more conservative, started listening to Fox news non stop. I became more liberal, and when it became apparent that I was not first in his life, or even among the top 5 I left. He did not see anything wrong, nor did his church. When I left him I pretty much left the church.

I will never remarry, but I'd like a long term commitment someday. But at my age in my location I don't think that is realistic.

While I can agree with what you've included , a part of a relationship that includes sex , is responsibility for any children that are produced because of the relationship . A part of a wedding ceremony includes taking lawful responsibility for the support and raising of children produced while in this relationship .

I love the idea of growing old together. The biggest thing I learned from my marriage and divorce is BOTH people have to put in the effort. Both have to love, respect, and want to do the silly little things that keep the other person in love with them. Continue to woo each other. I know very few couples that are able to do that long term.

I’m already tired of not having someone and it’s only been 2 years. But I’m not going to settle for less than what I want just to have someone.

well firstly welcome!

I am a romantic at heart too and i hate feeling lonely. So i will be the one who tries to make things work with my partner and if she does the same then its going to last. Life is not a fairy tale as you say but we do need dreams and aspirations to work towards. When the dream dies so does everything connected.