What if you had died first?
Sorry this is a bit long but I feel important for this group.
My partner and I talked about this especially after meeting a cousin of a friend of ours. The woman was married to a Greek and living in Greece. Her Father-in-law had died and the mother-in-law took over the son’s life and his wife got demoted. This is normal in some cultures where the woman dresses in black, never remarries and makes the eldest son care for her. I see this as the same idea as cultures demanding that the bride be a virgin. It is paternalism, pure and simple and too often the women become the victims.
Anyway, we both agreed this would not be the case with us. The period of mourning should be quick (I was told she would have given me 2 weeks and I was glad). If you truly love someone you want what’s best for them especially after you are gone. Her death was ideal in that there was no suffering and she took control (death with dignity were the first words out of her mouth when she got the prognosis). She demanded no tears and no prayers and the one time I made her cry was when I said I would miss her. Even though we need to put the past behind us we also know we will never forget nor should we. (I even remember all my former partners, good and bad). We should want that our loved ones go on to have a happy and fulfilling life and that should include finding another mate.
There is also a pragmatic part. She had severe osteoporosis but was constantly working out and never had a problem, yet. Even though Lopez was her heaven the idea of caring for a house was foreign and it scared her. But she would have had guys lined up to help (for a payment of a delicious meal). She could have had her choice of men but she would have been very picky. I have no problems with that and would have only wanted her to be happy especially since she had to find own after I had left.
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5 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.It has been 17 years for me so maybe the distance gives me some perspective. I would worry that putting such high expectations on the surviving spouse would only add to their burden. Grief sucks no matter what and not allowing yourself to feel the sadness, anger, hopelessness or whatever you feel will only make it worse. You have to feel to heal and there is not a timetable that fits everyone.
We get so much pressure from the outside world to get over it and move on why add to it?
While wallowing in raw grief for years is not healthy, not acknowledging and giving yourself time to grieve is not healthy either,
That said I encourage everyone to get the help and support they need to move forward in their life in the way that works for them. Books, online support groups and therapy can all make a huge difference.
JP0810
Level 3
Aug 3, 2018
1
Of course everyone and every situation is different. Everyone handles grief differently but letting it go on too long is unhealthy. My late partner was the most reasoned based person I have ever known. She used her sense of reason to control her emotions. For instance, she often had headaches. If a dance was coming to the community center (Abby Road was her favorite) she would have to decide to go knowing she would have a headache the next day. She felt the event was worth the price and she went. She was lucky in that she could use reason to handle her death.
My husband and I did not discuss what we wanted to happen afterwards even though we both knew he was not going to be here much longer. We had a wonderful marriage basically because I did my best to make him happy and he did the same. I know he would want me to be happy therefore I feel comfortable seeking another relationship. If I had died first, I always felt another woman would find him soon. Since I wanted him to be happy, I only hope she was the right woman.
Lorajay
Level 9
Aug 2, 2018
3
I do regret not speaking to my husband about what our expectations would be for each other if we passed. I do know that being together for so long I know all he ever wanted was for me to be happy. Honestly that is what I want for me since I am the one here now and having to move on. I can't see how some do not move on after several years but that is a personal preference and you have to be ready.
Rose2U
Level 7
Aug 2, 2018
4
We had the conversation a few times. Each of us urged the other to get on with his or her life. If I would have passed first it would have been hard on her as we live very rural and all the things that need done on the homestead would have been a detriment for her. Solar power, water system, keeping old vehicles running etc.She also worried that I would just curl up in a corner which I assured her that I would not do. I can stay here in the woods but she would have had to move closer to a town. She also thought that i'd have women coming after me. Not. I know a lot of women but after her am very choosy and none so far have applied.
starwatcher-al
Level 7
Aug 2, 2018
2
I also have solar and both a well and rain harvesting system. Some little things that I pay attention to like gutter cleaning and when things break would be hard for most people. Several months after her death I heard a scratching in the crawl space under the bathroom at 3 AM. Rats in the space. She would have freaked out and it took me weeks to solve the problem and seal the space. Things like this can be a problem for a novice. Luckily, we live near the village and have a ton of people that can help.
@JackPedigo Yeah, this homesteading thing takes a bunch of time and energy. I almost ran out of water and would have had to haul some more in but it rained good in July. There are a few people around me but it takes time to travel these rough roads. I had a lightening strike a tree 2 years ago and it took about 15 minutes for help to arrive.
@starwatcher-al Rain in Arizona in July! It has been early June since we had rain and won't get any appreciable rain until sometime in late Sept. You have it a lot more rural than I and I live on a small island (30 sq. miles).
@JackPedigo Yes, the NW no rain season is now. Once we traveled to the panhandle of Idaho and the guy we were visiting was in a drought, had't rained for 6 weeks!!!
@JackPedigo Yes, the NW no rain season is now. Once we traveled to the panhandle of Idaho and the guy we were visiting was in a drought, had't rained for 6 weeks!!!
@starwatcher-al Several years ago we went from the 6th of May until the end of Sept.
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