I am widowed. What I regret most is the finality of it all. That my quest to reach him regarding his untreated mental illness, his self destructive behavior, his addiction to opioids & alcohol & brown & white pseudo food... has failed. Love, devotion, loyalty in the end were futile against his self medication & resistance to treatment. Helpless in the face of madness, I am left with a void in my own psyche. I am not accustomed to failure. Tho by now I should be in regards to his disfunction. I have said things to him that can never be forgiven. His slow march to the arms of the grim reaper is complete.
John Coltrane to Miles Davis, "Save me Miles. Why don't you save me?"
No one can save anyone from the grip of addiction except the addict. He made an appointment after 21 years of my pleading but he didn't make it. Now it is beyond the reach of even him. Your suffering the relentless voices of self hatred are silenced and perhaps this is for the best. Tho I anticipated this end, to have it realised remains untenable.
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Thank you all for reaching out to me. I do not blame myself logically, but the voice says "If only....". I came home from visiting my Colorado property after cancelling the trip 3 times, to find him dead on the kitchen floor. Toxicology will take 16 weeks due to the many drugs the labs must test for & the epidemic of drug deaths plaguing our nation. I do have a counselor & I know I was/am helpless in altering the behavior of others. But that voice that says "If only....." continues to torment me. It is irrational & emotional. I just have to ride it out as you all have done. Once again, thank you.
Mooolah
Level 8
Oct 19, 2019
2
Please know we in this group understand completely. You can love a person with all your heart, and stand beside them when they are actively destroying themselves, but you can't make them stop. I am so sorry for your loss. It is, as you say untenable at this moment in time for you. Please take care of yourself. There are many here you can reach out to if you need a shoulder.
Redheadedgammy
Level 9
Oct 18, 2019
2
That had to be a terrible experience. Being the unheard voice of reason. (Hugs).
I know I have a friend who benefitted from Al-Anon. [alcoholrehabguide.org] You can speak to them and ask about one that is less religion focused. There are less theist focused AA groups. I have several friends who have gone to them.
Though frankly - you might be past this point. It can help with understanding though.
RavenCT
Level 9
Oct 18, 2019
1
Thanks. Did the whole al anon thing in person & on FB. I know these things logically, but the emotions are illogical. One just has to go thru the fire.
Sorry for your loss and have experienced a bit of it. My partner died suddenly (2 months) and painlessly. She was alert and upbeat and, yes, the finality was hard. I also have a close friend whose husband had Parkinsons. 20+ years of slow deterioration finally did him in and she had a real struggle the last 7 or so years. I would not want to wish that on anyone. There are a lot of things that can and will kill us and life can be brutal. Hopefully, reaching out will help. There are groups (besides agnostic) that can help.
JackPedigo
Level 9
Oct 18, 2019
4
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