I was talking to a fellow introvert about how both of us tend to attract people who like to talk about themselves. We both use that trick where we ask them questions and get them going, and just sit back and listen. I can handle social interactions if I don't have to say much. I'd rather just nod and smile and let people ramble on about themselves.
Of course, the downside to that is that I have attracted some highly self-absorbed, selfish people into my life that I've then had to get rid of. I think there are toxic personality types that really love introverts and attach themselves to us because I guess they think they can control the relationship because we're (outwardly) quieter. I've also found that people like this think introverts are endlessly forgiving and will put up with bad behavior. I think they conflate being an introvert with being a doormat. Anyone else have this problem?
Many introverts are also empaths. They pick up on the feelings of others. There is a whole lotta information about Empaths attracting the Narcissist personality. They are looking for people to manipulate for their own needs. So, beware! Check out this article. [elephantjournal.com]
Yep, I totally get this. I often feel like since I am so quiet that I need to have someone around who talks a lot, and those who talk a lot, I have found, often talk about themselves. I totally pull the same trick though and go into listener mode by being polite and engaging with the right questions to keep them going. They are then happy with talking and I am happy with not having to talk. If and when the right topic comes up, then I will be all over it... and/or if I’ve had enough to drink lol.
That being said, I also totally know what you mean about the personality types that are very full of themselves and they cease to be interesting and become annoying at best and appalling at worst. I don’t know if I agree that these types think that introverts are more forgiving, but I do feel that they likely have tried their antics with others who have pushed back on them and when an introvert comes around who doesn’t, they latch on. I’m personally too nice to say anything so the most I will typically do is simply avoid them. Introverts will do this to other introverts as well though because one does not need to be exterverted to have a fascination with your own life or an obsession with various topics to totally dominate any conversation with a quiet person who is willing to listen to you.
I have a guy I work with who will talk for 4-5 hours on the phone about the major and minor plots of TV shows and comic books that I have never seen or read and will tell me all about them again and again unless I can find a way to get off the phone. Some of these conversations we have had about the exact same things multiple times and I’m pretty sure he just forgot. Sometimes I’m in the mood because he is genuinely a very interesting and funny person, but other times I simply cannot handle the amount of information spouting from his mouth. Every 10 minutes he says, “Have you ever seen...” or “have you ever read...” and 9 times out of 10 I will say “No.” Then he will explain just how much he loves this thing, tell me everything he knows about it, all the while I can generally only respond with, “wow, that’s cool” or “huh, interesting.”
I have very nearly perfected the art of avoiding people but I have much to learn in the ways of getting someone to stop talking once they are on a roll. It the risk I feel I play whenever I engage in conversation... either they will expect for me to fill the conversational void or I won’t be able to escape it.
Whew. Thought it was just me. On the downside, it isn't just me! Sorry that others are dealing with the same stuff. But I have found, with age, I have gotten better at avoiding-without guilt- the people that drain me. I no longer feel obligated to say yes when I want to scream "oh, god NO!" to social activities and I will wish folks well and walk away from talkers with a pretty good amount of civility. There are few people that I absolutely can't stand but even the ones that I love I have to limit time with. The ones that truly know me well have come to understand (as best they can )and accept me for the crazy old bird that I am. The rest I no longer care what they think!
Haven't had the toxic friends, but I'm surprised how long it took me to realize that when someone asks how I'm doing all I have to reply is "how are you?" And I'm off the hook.
I changed my photo to show the woman I have met recently and she is a talker , I don't mind it at all. She's not self-absorbed though, just likes to talk!! Hahahaha
Aw, she looks very sweet! Yay for you! ✌???
yes, you are spot on. I attracted a narcissist a few years ago and got a full lesson on exactly what a narcissist is!! I really had no idea, i thought they were simply egotistical and nothing more. Well there is a lot more. After my experience, I read about this disorder and gained some insight. They are indeed attracted to introverts because we are generally gentle, trusting, passive, easy to manipulate (until we know what's up!). He pretended to be what I wanted (award winning performance!) and once I was solidly in his trap....bam! I was in shock at what a change ...suddenly critical about everything I did, accusing me constantly of bizarre things, pushing my buttons to try to get me to argue (I don't argue ever) , I found myself bending to his will just a little, but not for long. He tried to gaslight me, making me feel that I was nuts. This was a heartbreaking lesson, but a powerful one. I can see clearly now, how I participated in creating the illusion of his good nature. There were red flags that I chose to ignore. Everything is clear in retrospect. This was a long distance relationship, which is why it worked so well for him to manipulate me. (he was in England, I am in the states). So we were only physically together for brief periods. Once we moved in together he could not keep the act up any longer and I asked him to leave 5 months later. No more long distance for me, and I pay closer attention to what my gut is telling me .
I have a family member with NPD so I can relate to what you went through. The gaslighting, the mood changes, the bizarre accusations. I'm glad you were able to get away from him.
Yes, when I was younger I often attached human parasites.
Count me in. My ex-girlfriend and her mother are that way. They talk all day and don't say anything. They're the type of people who will look for the quiet ones and take full advantage for as long as they can.
reminds me of that Talking Heads song, Psycho Killer, "you're talking a lot , but you're not saying anything" ! Much too common of an occurrence !
Yup and it's usually when I'm trying to get something done , I have one friend thats like Edith bunker Ilove the guy but please get to the point He'll go off on tangents and ancidotes . I guess thats part of living in the South their very friendly and love to talk .
Yeah. I definitely attract those people. Because of people like that, I don't even listen to anyone anymore, I just nod my head and trail off, but I look like I'm paying attention. I get the jest of what they were talking about by getting context clues later... Eventually, I also get tired and keep my distance.
I agree there is something about introverts that attract people. Maybe it's because you do tend to be quieter and it gives them an opportunity to showcase their multitudinous virtues without interruption. But I while I may be an introvert, I'm no pushover, and I do not suffer fools gladly. I have ended many friendships for various reasons, most of them having to do with the fact that I couldn't tolerate having them in my life any longer.
Not as of yet but I'll watch out for it now. Thanks for the heads-up.
Posted by KilltheskyfairyIntrovert thoughts…
Posted by KilltheskyfairyIntrovert thoughts…
Posted by KilltheskyfairyIntrovert thoughts…
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