Me on my death bed...
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I got to thinking about the possible conversation between God, Adam & Eve, and the snake within the Garden of Eden; so here’s what I think was said.
[Adam walks up to God at the tree of knowledge]
ADAM: God, I need to talk to you
GOD: yea Adam, what do you want now?
ADAM: I’m horny as hell, I want a woman to screw, and I’m tired of just jerking off all the time while watching the chimpanzees fuck
GOD: Ok but I'll need one of your ribs then.
ADAM: Why?
GOD: I ran out of “lady making stuff”
ADAM: you said you built this whole universe just by saying some magical words, so why can’t you just create a woman just by saying some magical words over some mud like you did with me?
GOD: because I make the male of the species from mud then I need its DNA to create its mate
ADAM: why not make both from mud?
GOD: because that’s how I do it, case closed
ADAM: hang on I just thought of something, if you use my DNA for the woman, wouldn’t she be my sister?
GOD: yea so?
ADAM: so you want me to have incest sex with my sister?
GOD: so sue me for wanting to watch you two in incest porn, get over it.
ADAM: fine, take my rib, I’m so horny right now I’ll even screw my sister.
[God picks up a rock]
ADAM: what’s up with the rock
GOD: I’ll need to knock you out because taking your rib will hurt like hell and you’ll want to be unconscious for it
ADAM: ok just hurry up.
[God knocks out Adam]
[Once Adam wakes up, Eve is sleeping next to him, then she wakes up]
GOD: ok the first thing before you two start screwing, Adam, Eve, you don’t never ever want to eat from that tree. [Pointing to the tree of knowledge]
ADAM: why don’t we want to eat from that tree? [Pointing to the tree of knowledge]
GOD: Because it is the tree of knowledge. If you eat from it, you will die
EVE: What is “Die”?
GOD: Die is not being alive
ADAM: Will we die right away?
GOD: No, not right away, but in about 900 years or so, after you’ve had some kids and stuff.
ADAM: Kids? What are kids?
GOD: You’ll have to eat from that tree [pointing to the tree of knowledge] to find out
EVE: Okay [starts to walk to the tree of knowledge]
GOD: No, stop!!! Do NOT eat from that tree!
EVE: But you said I wouldn’t know what “kids” are, unless I eat from the tree.
GOD: That’s right
ADAM: But we mustn’t eat from it…..
GOD: That is correct.
ADAM: Because….?
GOD: Because then you will have knowledge
ADAM: And that is bad because….?
GOD: Because then you’ll die
EVE: But not right away.
GOD: correct, in a few hundred years you’ll die
ADAM: And dying is bad?
GOD: Of course dying is bad! You’d have to leave the Garden of Eden and come up to Heaven.
EVE: What is Heaven?
GOD: It’s where I live. It’s a place of pure joy and beauty.
ADAM: So why would coming up there be bad?
GOD: Because I made this place for you
ADAM: Is the Garden of Eden as awesome as Heaven is?
GOD: Nothing is as awesome as heaven is
EVE: So let’s just eat the fruit and….
GOD: NO! YOU MUST NOT EAT THE FRUIT!
ADAM: But why not?
GOD: Because YOU WILL DIE!
EVE: You said that. But we’d get to live in Heaven after that, right?
GOD: Yes, but…..
ADAM: And Heaven sounds even better than this place.
GOD: Look, if you eat the fruit, you will realize you are naked and then you will be embarrassed.
ADAM: And being embarrassed is a painful way to die?
GOD: No, you can’t die of embarrassment. You will just be ashamed of your nakedness.
ADAM: Why?
GOD: Because you will have knowledge
EVE: And knowledge is bad?
GOD: Yes
EVE: Okay, so we will have this knowledge thing, which is bad, right?
GOD: Exactly
ADAM: And what is “bad” again?
GOD: Eating from that tree [pointing to the tree of knowledge] is bad
ADAM: No, I mean, what does “bad” mean?
EVE: I bet if we ate from that tree [pointing to the tree of knowledge] we would know
GOD: DO NOT EAT FROM THE TREE!
ADAM: Okay, so let me get this straight: We must not eat from that tree [pointing to the tree of knowledge], because eating from the tree will give us knowledge of our nakedness, which will cause us embarrassment [whatever that is] and we will then have knowledge [whatever that is] and we will die in about 900 years after having kids [whatever kids are] then we’ll go to heaven and we will know what “bad” means.
GOD: Yes.
ADAM: So why did you put the tree there?
GOD: To test you
EVE: To test us for what?
GOD: To see if you could refrain from being bad
ADAM: But we don’t even know what bad is!
Lizard_of_Ahaz
Level 9
July 21, 2019
2
EVE: Eating from that tree [pointing to the tree of knowledge] is bad
GOD: Right!
ADAM: but aren’t you all knowing and already know what we are going to do before we do it?
GOD: Yes I am and yes I do
ADAM: So why did you put the tree there to test us to see if we could avoid being bad, Even though you already know what we are going to do before we do it? Besides we don’t know what “bad” is unless we eat from the tree.
GOD: I did it just because I needed some entertainment. Oh yea, I forgot to mention that if you eat from that tree. [Pointing to the tree of knowledge] I will kick you out of the Garden of Eden
ADAM: yea we know, you said we’ll go to heaven after we die from eating that tree
GOD: no, I mean before you die, I will kick you two out from the garden.
ADAM: You mean there is something outside of this place?
GOD: Yes
ADAM: Where? I have walked all around this place already and I have never come to the end.
GOD: Well then, I will make another place outside of the garden.
EVE: Like this one?
GOD: No, not like this! Why would I kick you out of here into a place that is just as nice? That’s not a punishment!
ADAM & EVE: What is “punishment”?
GOD: ARGH! Look, I have other stuff to do; you do know the universe doesn’t run itself, right? I have to run it. Just don’t eat from that tree, [pointing to the tree of knowledge] okay? We can discuss it again later.
ADAM & EVE: Okay
GOD: Promise?
ADAM & EVE: Promise
GOD: Pinkie swear?
ADAM & EVE: Pinkie swear
GOD: Good. I will talk to you two later. [Exits]
ADAM: I am going to look to see if there’s an end of this place, if there is one.
EVE: Okay, I’ll just stay here, by the tree, thinking of this knowledge thing God told us about.
ADAM: Okay, bye [Exits]
EVE: Bye [sits down and stares at the tree of knowledge]
SNAKE: [after listening to the conversation, the snake enters by the tree of knowledge and goes to Eve] Hello Mrs. Eve, Where did Mr. Adam go?
EVE: he went off looking for the edge of this place where ever it is, so he’ll probably be gone for a while.
SNAKE: [climes up the tree of knowledge] Good do you want a piece of fruit?
EVE: No thank you, God doesn’t want us to eat from that tree
SNAKE: did you ever wonder why God really doesn’t want you to eat from this tree?
EVE: I was just thinking about what God told us what would happen if we eat from the tree but it doesn’t make sense. How can knowing something, kill us?
SNAKE: well the real reason is because God knows that if you and Mr. Adam gets knowledge, then you’ll know that God doesn’t know jack shit about anything. So God wants to keep you two ignorant so both of you will need God
EVE: No that’s not true, it can’t be
SNAKE: yes it is, search your feeling, you know it to be true, but if you don’t believe me then just eat the fruit and you’ll know if I’m telling the truth or not
EVE: no, God won’t keep anything from us if we ask him and he tells us the correct answers so I’ll do what God says.
SNAKE: God been giving you the wrong answers. You think God is all knowing, but he doesn’t know diddly squat. Please, eat the fruit of knowledge, I beg you. I know what has been troubling you. As long as you can remember, you've been searching for something, but you don’t know what it is. Don't continue to let God keep you in ignorance! Eat the fruit and get more correct knowledge then God has, and then you’ll know what you’ve been searching for.
EVE: well, it would be nice to know stuff.
SNAKE: yes it will be nice.
EVE: but I don’t know….
SNAKE: how about this, don’t eat the whole fruit, just take a little bite and get a little knowledge. Just enough knowledge to find out if I’m telling the truth or not. What’s the harm in that? If you find out that I’m lying then I won’t bother you or Mr. Adam ever again and you two can live your lives by how God tells you how to live. But, if I’m telling the truth, then you can continue to eat the fruit and you will gain all the correct knowledge that you ever wanted. Doesn’t that seem reasonable?
EVE: Yea, that seems reasonable, but I still don’t know, won’t God will be mad at us?
SNAKE: well fine, you don’t have to eat the fruit. Stay in ignorance, just the way God wants you to be. And keep on getting the wrong information from God.
EVE: what wrong information are you talking about?
SNAKE: well for one thing, God said that he created the universe and created Mr. Adam by saying some magical words, then he created you from one of Mr. Adam’s ribs. But that’s a lie; both of you two, have evolved from primitive primates from several million years ago and the universe came from a singularity that exploded about 14 billion years ago and it’s called “the big bang”. And that part about you two living to be 900 years old, not true, you’ll only live to be about 50 or so years, if you’re lucky. That’s just to mention a few.
EVE: I want to know if you’re telling the truth or not
SNAKE: [picks a fruit then hands it to Eve] then here take a bite and find out who’s telling the truth and who’s not telling the truth
EVE: ok, [takes the fruit and bites into it] oh my, it’s so clear, how could I be so dumb? I know that you were telling the truth all along. [finishes the fruit] I know so much, the vail of ignorance has been lifted, I must share this knowledge with Adam. [grabs another piece of fruit from the tree of knowledge and runs off after Adam to give him the fruit]
[Fade to black]
A Roman Catholic priest and a Rabbi were walking in the park talking about each others religions. The priest notices a 10 year boy stooped over a water fountain taking a drink. The priest says, man , I'd like to fuck him. The rabbi asks outta what?
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