Woman Sentenced After Trying to Hire Assassin Online at RentAHitman.com

A Michigan woman has been sentenced to prison after trying to hire a hitman to kill her ex-husband. Wendy Wein searched online and found RentAHitman.com, a bogus website that claimed to be run by “Guido Fanelli,” that boasts of numerous industry awards and assures people they are 100% compliant with “HIPPA,” the “Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act” of 1964. The site was founded by a Northern California man, who initially launched the website as kind of a joke for his network security business venture. So far, about 700 people have contacted him about a hit, which he is able to forward to local police, given that he requires “customers” leave their personal information such as name, address, e-mail and phone number.

Well, not to sound critical, but that’s what you get for trying to hire a hitman before first checking their Better Business Bureau rating and Yelp reviews. I mean, how stupid do you have to be, to try and hire a hitman online - when you can simply ask “Alexa” to find one for you? Anyone besides me a little curious about what else might be in this woman’s browsing history? 

Anyway, I suppose the only really surprising thing about this case, is that this woman isn’t from Florida. That said, what a great testimonial this is to “American exceptionalism.” A land where people without even the slightest trace of common sense, can somehow manage to survive well into adulthood.

Of course, this level of stupidity isn’t really anything new. Why, the night “Gilligan's Island” first aired on television, the Coast Guard was flooded with calls reporting a stranded SS Minnow. Obviously, nitwits have always comprised a sizable portion of our population. The good news is that today, we are able to quickly identify them - by their red MAGA hats.

Ironically, when I mentioned this story to a Trump supporter acquaintance of mine, her first reaction was - “Gee, do you think it’s too late to cancel my order?” I tried explaining that a sure sign you’re probably not going to get away with murder is that you actually found this website by googling "how to find a hitman to kill my spouse.” I suggested if she really needs to make a hit on someone, just go to www.kylerittenhouse.com.

That said, I fully understand how someone looking to hire an assassin would really like what they see on this website. After all, they offer both group and senior discounts, along with an additional Black Friday discount of 20%. Let’s face it folks, nobody likes paying full price for a murder.

Perhaps what I love most though, is that the site also claims to be “Your point-and-click solution since 1920,” and the winner of numerous “industry awards.” Gee, I wonder what the hell that “award show” was called - “The Hit Parade?”

Anyway, her sentence is considered rather controversial, primarily because a lot of people feel that a woman who is actually that stupid shouldn’t be in jail, she should be running for Congress as a Republican. Gee, now that makes me wonder, who would you hire - if you only wanted to “kill time?”

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