Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"

"Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with the hook.